Smudged Sanity

Fun and Games: Video Blog 2

2012-02-12T08:23:00.000-08:00

This is the aftermath of game night. Woo hoo!

I hunted down some information on these games. Here are the best links I found so you can see how much fun we had. *grin*

Sentinels of the Multiverse
Formula D

I think I broke the camera...

2012-02-08T10:24:00.000-08:00

Okay. Two days and much frustration later, I'm still determined to post this. Yeah. Next time I will get it done right the first time.

Oh, and I don't want to hear a word about bad grammar or nervous phrases. It's a miracle in itself I actually did this. Mwahahaha! Enjoy!

I don't need no bull, give me a push

2012-01-19T13:13:00.000-08:00

What a long week! And my work load is only going to get deeper.

Funny that I'm okay with that.

I started out quite nervous about doing an internship. After last night's meeting, my nerves have changed to excitement. I had an interview with a staffing agency yesterday morning, and took their tests and scored 90+ percent on all of them. I have no idea how they decipher their scores, but I view a 90 as an A and in my mind, I did good no matter what they say.

I started my night class this week also. Oh, boy, am I overwhelmed already. I'm taking it in conjunction with a perquisite of the class and there are some things I just haven't learned yet. If it wasn't a spring only class, I would drop that baby in a heartbeat, but as I'll be finishing up my credits next semester, it looks like I will be working overtime to make sure I'm ready for class each week. I'm confident I will do well, but it's going to be a tough road to travel with the rest of my workload added to it.

My online classes are polar opposites. So far, my management class seems like a big joke. The instructor put all the lessons up and mapped out each week as we are suggested to work through the chapters. There is no required discussion, the syllabus looks like the mandatory information was copied and pasted with nothing added, and I'm not even sure if that is meant to teach us how to manage our own learning, or if it's just laziness on the part of the professor. Normally I would be a bit upset about such a lax instructor, but I know that I'll be doing the reading and making sure I understand the material, so I will take something away from the class, and quite frankly, an easy class in the mix suits me well.

My Intro to Fiction class, on the other hand, is reading, writing, and discussion intensive. The instructor seems to really care about her subject, and I'm excited to learn all I can from the class. I thought I might get a little overwhelmed, but so far week 1 has been quite enjoyable. I'll be starting my reading for week 2 today, even though it hasn't been officially assigned, so that I have time to reread and analyze when the assignments are introduced. Thank goodness for a thorough syllabus in her case!

I have another interview tomorrow. I posted my resume on the State Employment Web site and applied to every job I found that might qualify as a decent internship opportunity. The one call I got was from a place I didn't apply for. I guess that means my resume looks pretty good. I'm proud of that document, and the cover letter as well, even though cover letters have always been more difficult than the actual resume for me.

I did my grocery shopping this morning. On the way out, I noticed my tire was low. December it was two missing lug nuts, this month it's low tire pressure. I've never had so much tire trouble before. I think there's something about this place...

Starting next week, my schedule gets a little tighter. In February, it becomes inflexible. Okay, so not really quite immobile, but I'm really going to have to make good use of my planner/calendar. With two part time jobs, two boys who are heading into the teen years, a dog, three classes on campus, two classes online, and all the obligations that go along with being a single parent, I've still got to find time in there somewhere for me. My therapist says she doesn't know how I handle everything without falling apart, not that she thinks I should, but it's a lot to put on one person's plate.

The truth is, sometimes I really want to fall apart, but I won't allow it. No one is going to take care of me, but me. I'm the only one who can do what I need to do for me, and the only one who even knows what it is I need to do. I've found that the busier I get, the more I break things down into manageable parts. I find tools and resources I would never have known existed otherwise, and my self-esteem and confidence grows as I defeat hurdle after hurdle on my way to where I see myself down the road. I don't really look to the future or the past anymore. I take the lessons, I imagine my destination on my map of life, and then I just enjoy the drive. Sure, I might make a big deal out of something now and again, but I really do enjoy things much more now that I'm doing what I need to do.

I've found that lately I have better relationships with family, and am making and keeping friends who are good for me instead of those who pull me down. I don't dwell too much on things that bother me. I gripe to myself, and then shrug it off and do what I need to do in order to maintain my sanity. And so far, it's been working great for me.

I've heard the saying "seize the bull by the horns" so many times I can't stand it. What kind of crazy, average, everyday person would be in a bull's field or pen to begin with? Forget that. I'm climbing this fence and hightailing it to the nearest tree with a swing hanging from the branches and overlooking a meadow and I'm going to soar to new heights.

And hey, to all you folks who have stuck with me through all the craziness I've put you through...

Thank you for the push!

Resolutions—Pixelation—Get the Picture?

2012-01-03T07:04:00.000-08:00

No, I don't do New Year resolutions.

I make year long goals.

I've never succeeded with a resolution. A resolution is simply a statement of what one wants. A goal is something that is planned out and mapped out and acted upon. I try to make reasonable, reachable goals with a bit of an added challenge. I'm starting something new this year, also, so we'll see how this goes.

For January, I made a goal of getting more organized. My house has been much cleaner than it ever has, and I've done pretty darn good at keeping up on it, despite the effort it takes to get the boys to help. For those of you with young children, start giving them "responsibilities" (I don't like the word chores, it makes the work feel like a burden) around the house. Little things like putting away their own clothes or rinsing their dishes make great starting responsibilities. I know I have a teenager, but if that gets used as an excuse as to why he neglects his duties, I call bull. It's my own fault for not setting an example sooner.

Now, mind you, I'm still learning how to do all this on my own too. I definitely followed in my parents footsteps more than I would have liked. But I really want my kids to succeed at this when they get out on their own, so it's time for me to stop using that as a crutch and really step up to get this curbed now. THAT is goal number one. Cleaning schedule, list of responsibilities, and office supplies organized and readily available for use on school work.

The remainder of the year is a work in progress. I did make a few larger goals, such as finishing my schooling, but for the most part, I'm breaking things down into little, bite-sized pieces that are manageable and less daunting than a resolution would be.

Overall, the things I'd like to accomplish in 2012 are finishing school, making my finances stretch out like they should instead of sweating that last month between the end of the funds and the arrival of the next disbursement check, and maintaining a healthy and happy household.

I need to buy a twin mattress, decorate the apartment so that it feels more like home than a place with bare walls, and keep my boys on track with their homework. I need to make sure the boys have quality time with their friends, both here and at the friends' houses, and I need to have a family game night with them once a week. I also need to bring the boys a little happiness with actually planning and following through on birthday parties for the two of them. I feel like this is something I am capable of doing now, even with my anxiety issues, and I'm going to. All these things are little things that are spread out throughout the year with set deadlines to meet.

And it's for that reason that resolutions don't work. It's one thing to say, "I'd like to lose weight" and something entirely different to say, "I will start by making a menu plan and sticking to it. After that I'll start walking 20 minutes daily. Once I make that a habit, I will go three times a week to the gym to do strength training. And these are the dates I plan to accomplish each."

Yep. Which of those methods sounds more manageable and attainable to you?

So, this year, my resolution is to make goals.

Take that you silly diaper baby! I've already got it covered!

Why yes, yes it was a Christmas concert

2011-12-20T18:09:00.000-08:00

We got to my son's concert half an hour early and it was already standing room only. Wow. I almost panicked and left. Crowds and I don't get along.

But I didn't. I ended up sitting next to a very nice lady with a fifth grader in the concert. She made me feel very comfortable. I'm glad I whipped the backup emotional guns from my heartstrings and shot down the evil panic monster.

I've been to one other of his concerts and it had nothing on this one. Apparently all the kids love this music teacher, and tonight I got to see why. I didn't record his commentary, but he thanked the students for their hard work in advance and had the audience applaud upfront, and he introduced and thanked his student helpers from other schools, and fellow music teachers from other programs, and even thanked the school district for doing a fantastic job of supporting the programs that encourage the fine arts. This man doesn't take his job for granted.

Not only that, the concert was fantastic. Here's just a little taste of what it was like. My short little guy, who plays the French horn, is hidden behind the woodwinds. Sorry, kiddo, nothing against you, but horns take back seat to the other instruments because of their size and nature. You may be invisible, but I can hear your heart in the songs you play!

On that note, I, too, want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas!

Tis the Season—Please don't eat the mistletoe!

2011-12-16T16:37:00.000-08:00

Wow. What a month. Stress, stress, stress. Wait, what's that? Mistletoe? Oh, heck no! I don't want no stinkin' kiss! Give me that! *nom nom nom*

Okay, okay, I'm just kidding, but not about the stress. With the move, getting behind in classes, all the big projects I had to complete, and the one professor that AUGHHH!—that's a story in it's own so I'll save that for later in this blog—planning for upcoming kids' school activities, and getting my son up to date on his shots so he could stay in school, I'm surprised I haven't found a hole somewhere in which to simply crawl into hide.

But then, so much good has happened on top of it that I can't really dwell on the mass of craziness that comes with living. I can, however, laugh at the insanity. Life is a circus, enjoy it, right? Tightropes, flaming circles, human cannonball, and knife swallowing, all symbolic of the activities that come at me every day of my life. But when it's all said and done, it makes for some great memories.

The tightrope comes in the form of "that teacher." What a crazy balancing act. I, Miss Studious, never ever sweat a grade. I figure and plan and work really hard to make sure I'll get my A in the classes I take. For the first time since the horrid professor that taught college level writing, I was sweating my A. No matter how I figured it, I could not make the grade needed to get it. I plugged and played and tweaked and then gave in and did the extra credit. Normally, I do extra credit for the fun of it and the practice, or because I need to know what I'm doing in order to help someone else, not because I'm sweating my grade.

I went into her class after my final final (haha yeah, redundancy reigns supreme there) and found out that I had a 95. Only I didn't really have a 95. My grade and another student's got transposed. Do what? Yeah, my grade was actually higher than that. Huh? *confused* I still don't understand how. But shoot, I'm not going to kick a horse that I thought was dead that is actually a winning derby racer. An A is an A with this professor, and I'll take it any way I can get it. I walked that tightrope, and made it to the other side with flying colors!

My son got to experience figurative sword swallowing while I played human cannonball yesterday. I took him in and he got 6 shots. Only 2 were mandatory. To those of you who are very against immunizations, don't judge me; I'm not up for dealing with blindfolded knife throwers hurling razor sharp objects at me in the form of judgmental opposing opinions. You see, my elder son has a heart condition. Contracting a disease like the ones they immunize against could kill him. Getting a bad case of the flu could have severe effects. So, yes, I'm okay with him having several needles stuck in him as a preventative measure. I'd much rather deal with the risks that may come with immunizations than risk the other alternative. Besides, a bowl of ice cream and a good movie later, he was just fine. I firmly believe that a scoop of ice cream is, indeed, a cure-all!

Speaking of sweets, irony dictates that my best friend has the same birthday as my ex. She apologized for that. Uh...listen here, lady! Please, don't. I love the fact that you were born. I love having a great friend, an in person friend and not just an online friend, that I can actually get together and do things with that doesn't judge me for my choices and my actions, who appreciates me for who I am, and who teaches me so much about all the things I want to do and be that she already does and is.

So, yesterday was her actual birthday, but this morning I stopped and picked up a cake to go with her card and gift, and headed over to "able" cookies (damn you auto correct! ROFL). We had a blast. We made oatmeal raisin cookies, another kind I can't remember the name of that is her mother's recipe, and chocolate chip. I got to use a cookie press for the first time, and it rocked! She has two other kinds to make. She sent me home with an easy peanut butter fudge recipe. Ack! I feel fat just writing this. And by fat, I mean Pillsbury doughboy tee-hee plump. And, do you know what? I'm okay with that.

Since I'll need to work off all the weight I'm going to put on over winter break, I'm looking for an internship for next term. Okay, so it's actually required, but I needed a good lead in for this topic, HA. I'd very much love to have a paid internship, but if I can find one that I can start right at the beginning and work 12-15 hours a week during the semester, I'd gladly work for the experience and references. How I am going to juggle that as well as everything else, I don't know, but you can bet your butt I will. Guess what I will be doing during my break. HAHA! Yep, job search.

My boys are going to have a great Christmas and they don't even know it. They haven't really asked, and they don't expect much. They know they got to spend $5 on each other, but they don't know the investment I've made in them. Again, mostly books. *grin* I've got all their gifts wrapped (I also wrapped the books for the book exchange for my younger son's class). I'm a bookwrapping pro, let me tell you, and I think that's fantastic!

I have a work party to attend tomorrow and have the best (think most humorous) gift for the exchange. I'm excited. I'm taking the boys with me, My boss got them gifts too. I almost cried when she told me. I have the most awesome boss!

I have so much to be thankful for. So much love, so much growth that I've experienced and will experience. The holiday season is not just about gifts and greed for everyone. For me, it's about family, friends, and love. Those who think otherwise need to experience the things I've experienced lately. It's the greatest feeling in the world. To those of you who want to beat me over the head and tell me it's about religion, fine. But since religion has been nothing but an evil and malignant beast in my life, let me celebrate this in my own way. I believe in things, in a higher force, but I'm simply going to live my life according to the underlying principles that can be found in basically all religion: Love for others, love for self, and respect for nature. Just because someone has religion doesn't mean they have faith. I'll take faith any day, thank you very much.

I have faith that my kids are going to grow up to be wonderful people. Those boys mean the world to me and they are growing up so fast. I like to think that I have one arm for each of them and a heart that embraces them both.

And on that note, I'm going to go enjoy the company of my kids. I hope that all of you, too, can take time out this holiday season, and every day, to do the same with those you care about!

Winter Break for the Broken

2011-12-07T05:47:00.000-08:00

I've been in my new place for a month now.

I've moved a lot in my life, but never have I felt so at home as I do here. It's like I've come full circle. I have two beautiful boys, and a sweet little girl pup dog, and friends, and a washer and dryer, and a break from everything coming up soon.

Last weekend was my last weekend of work for the season. We have a Christmas party coming up for that, which should be fun; Iron Cafe challenge and all. Yeah, I'm a judge. LOL Good times.

Our old fake tree (two footer) fell over and refused to stand up. It looked so pathetic that I broke down and bought one of those fiber optic ones. It's sitting in the corner looking all festive right now.

I'm looking forward to Christmas this year. Thanksgiving was awesome. I thought I would miss having it with a gathering like I did with my ex, but this time there was no pressure, no stress, just hanging out with friends. After a fantastic meal, we pulled out her Christmas decorations and helped her set up. It sounds silly and strange, but I really enjoyed it.

The boys and I will be doing Christmas alone this year. I'm wrapping presents today. Money is tight, and if it wasn't for the fact that the place I moved into had a first month rent free special, we wouldn't be doing Christmas at all. But, I used that money to invest in something they really want. I also bought a lot of books for them. I redeemed some of my SWAGBUCKS for a gift for my younger son, and my BING rewards for the other son. These types of programs may not seem like much, but they add up and can make the difference between a flat holiday and one that the boys wet themselves with excitement. Neither of them know what I got them, or that I got them anything for that matter. The look on their faces Christmas morning will be priceless!

I'm rambling right now. I don't think I've had any writing that has been this all over the place in a long time. I've been busting out homework for the last few days, and my brain is fried, toast, and butter. And not in a good way.

I'm loving life. I'm loving my apartment. I'm loving my family, as small and sometimes rough and tumble as it is. And I'm loving the choices I'm making.

I hope you all have a fantastic holiday season. May your lives be blessed with the little and important things, and may you always remember to hold those close, even when the big things obscure them.

And thank you all for putting up with my babble!

Do you see Endurance Training or Roadblocks?

2011-11-18T05:14:00.000-08:00

I spent a lot of my life being a glass-half-empty kind of person. To be honest, I'm over that old, tired, cliche saying. If you think about it, neither option is bad. If you're pouring a glass, it's half-full, if you are enjoying the beverage, it's half empty. So how does that comparison even work properly?

I used to view life as getting in my way. Roadblocks were everywhere. I gave up on a lot of things because it was too hard to go around. Lately I find myself viewing things as challenges. Don't get me wrong, I still sometimes butt heads with roadblocks, and then have to take a minute or two to rethink things.

Take yesterday, for example. Oh my, was that the craziest day since my move. It started with me working on the final two assignments of homework in one class for this week. I finished the one, thought about backing my flash drive up onto my computer hard drive, but no, I usually do that at the end of a section and I had one more assignment to finish. I had a sudden urge to run to the bathroom. So I sat the laptop down quickly and...snap...bye bye flash drive. I was pissed for all of two minutes. Really, being angry wasn't going to redo all my assignments. So, I started in again...from the beginning. Almost four hours of work flushed. Gone. Vanished. The second time around went much quicker. It's amazing how good you get at things when you have to do them twice. I still have one assignment to finish, and YES, I am backing up my second flash drive so that doesn't happen again. HA.

Not long after my flash drive went to electronic heaven, something else happened. I won't go into detail, because I don't believe in airing dirty laundry. What's done is done, and once the cake has been thrown out, there is no point in trying to dig it back out of the trash so you can eat it too. Let's just say that I wasn't emotionally in the mood to deal with it.

I left for school a little late, but with plenty of time time to get to class on time. Lo and behold I manage to make it to the tracks as a train was crossing. La la la. Waiting for the train to pass. But again, what was I going to do about it. I'm never late to class, and my professor for my first class allows one late and one absence without deducting attendance points. So I didn't stress. And, I made it to class with two minutes to spare.

After that class I have about an hour and a half to work on homework. Guess what I worked on with a friend. Yep. My lost data. I was excited because I was proud of what I did the last week and I had even checked it against the answer key the dreaded-professor-who-knows-not-how-to-teach had delegated a colleague to build for her. I went into this class knowing how much I disliked the professor, but determined to do my best, learn everything I could, and make the most of it. Well, we got last week's assignment back. I got a C. Me, Ms. 4.0, bust my butt and do things right, read the material and come prepared to class, got a darned C! And for things that weren't even in the answer key! Things that she didn't cover in class! Stupid, little things. I lost it. I mean I really lost it. She said, "If I were your boss..." and I wanted to scream, "I would have quit to flip burgers at McDonald's a long time ago!" but I didn't. Instead I walked out and cried it all out in the bathroom. This is the teacher that says to NOT do things like the book says, tells us a thousand possible ways to do things, leaves everyone so confused there is no way we can do the right thing, and then publicly humiliates us in front of the class. Really? What the...? GRRR!

I'm going to let everyone in on a little secret. NEVER assume that tears are the result of sadness or disappointment. Tears are sometimes my way of directing my violence. They are a defense mechanism designed to protect myself and others. If I didn't cry, chances are I'd be punching or kicking. My tears, in cases like this, are not a sign of weakness, they are a sign of strength, an attempt at keeping my composure. I may look weak or insecure, but really I just want to do away with the injustice. And I'm not the only one in the class that hates that professor. In fact, I know at least two students who have dropped her courses this term, one of whom quit schooling completely because of teachers like her. I am better than that. And I can pretty much guarantee that she would say I may very well get a boss like her. Uh, no. That's where she's wrong. I've worked too hard in this program to be miserable when I put it into practice. If I wanted to be miserable, I would still be flipping burgers. I know I can get a good job with a good boss. I know because I have one. It isn't enough to pay all the bills without the help of my financial aid, I don't get benefits, and it's weekend work, but I love the job and my boss and the majority of my coworkers. I don't have to settle for the likes of her. That is what is going to get me through the rest of this semester and all of next, when I have her for three classes.

I'm going to focus on the rest of my classes and put her work last. There isn't any way to make that woman happy, and getting a grade that *heaven forbid* is less than an "A" won't hurt my GPA too much. And coming from me, that's huge.

Ironic that on the way home I hit the second train crossing of my day. Yeah. Really? But I was also okay with that. I mean, what am I going to do, stop a train? Sometimes it pays to just take those moments that are handed to you, such as that, when you have no choice but to sit and be patient and think, and really focus on the things that make all the endurance training worthwhile. I have two great boys, friends who care, a baby girl pup dog that adores me, and a great deal more self-esteem and confidence than I had before.

I consider this stage in my life my fitness course, the life-training segment of my endurance program.

Roadblocks? Right. I'll deal with those when I find one!

Home is Where the House Is

2011-11-13T17:41:00.000-08:00

A week ago this past Friday, we moved into our new apartment. It's small, but it has two bedrooms, a functioning bathroom, and all the kitchen appliances I'm used to.

A close friend of mine helped me move, but she did more than that. She helped me unpack and get organized.

It took a night of living here before we noticed the roly poly bug infestation. They are mostly gone now. They sound like popcorn when you step on them. I researched those little guys and learned that they aren't bugs at all, but crustaceans. They eat mold, composting materials, and feces. Good times. I don't find them quite so icky anymore. Anything that can stomach that diet is all right in my book.

The boys are adjusting well to their new school. I have internet up and running. And...we adopted a new baby girl.

No, no, don't panic. Her name is Sadie and she is the sweetest little min pom pup ever. She's three years old, housebroken, and loves us all to pieces. She weighs only 6 pounds. That's more than my boys weighed at birth!

I'm playing catch up in a couple of my classes because of the added time requirements involved with the move, but being able to let an assignment or two slide in the last 4 weeks of the semester is one of the benefits that come from busting my butt during the first 12.

That pretty much sums up my life right now. I've been going to bed early the last few nights. I'm simply drained. Tonight is no different.

So, on that note, I bid you all a beautiful night in dreamland.

Wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle Halloween!

2011-10-31T14:35:00.000-07:00

Halloween? Already? Wow. Well, in honor of such an event, most people are trying for spooky or scary. Frankly, my life is enough of both right now, so...

In case there isn't enough exercise involved in trick or treating, here's a little dance to get your blood pumping and your festivities moving.

Have a safe and wonderful evening, all, and don't forget your mask! Bwahahaha! Wouldn't want to scare the neighborhood too badly, now would you. ;)

Moving? Again? Say what now?

2011-10-22T18:08:00.000-07:00

I don’t know if anyone pays attention, but Brett and I broke up. The past week has been rough, not bad rough, just busy juggling things kind of rough.

This isn’t how I imagined my journey across county for love would turn out. I thought we’d spend forever together. But, some things just aren’t meant to be.

I have no regrets about moving. I’ve grown as a person, worked toward a degree to start a career doing something I love, and moved up in a company. I go to maintenance counseling, even my counselor says I don’t need it to “fix” anything anymore, and I have been dealing with anxiety amazingly well. I’ve been tutoring fellow classmates (pro bono LOL) and feel appreciated. I’ve been volunteering at the boys’ school, and I feel appreciated. How could I ever possibly regret making such a great move?

But, the fact of the matter is, we have to move again. Not across country, mind you, but into a different area. As much as I like where I’m at, I just don’t have the finances to fit in here. There are no low income or subsidized houses/apartments here, no way I could possibly afford to stay here, and I finally came to grips with that and looked elsewhere.

I’m waiting to hear the final verdict on the apartment I put my application in for. My income is the only thing that needs to be verified. Once that goes through, I’m in. I’m not looking forward to moving schools on the boys again, but I’ll do what I have to. I won’t move again until they graduate though. I refuse. I’m done dating for a while also. Men have always come and gone, and I’m tired of having a come and go relationship with my boys. I’ve worked hard to be better at that, and we actually have good times, we spend quality time together, we have a real family. I love that so much.

I’m making a list of the things I’ll absolutely need. It’s surprisingly not as much as I thought it would be. When I bought stuff in this relationship, I always thought of things as “ours.” He still has all his original things, so if I take my little things I’ll need as a mom, it won’t really matter. Little things add up—a lot.

No matter what happens from this point on, I believe in myself, I believe in this family, I believe in my friends, and I believe in the power of positive thinking. I’m positive we’ll be fine. I’m positive I’m going to continue to grow. I’m positive that no matter what happens, I’m going to love those boys like they are the greatest treasure I have…

Because they are.

Mom For a Day

2011-10-12T08:11:00.000-07:00

Looking back on the last 13 years, I can't help but wonder why I allowed my kids to call me mom. I was a royal mess. I realized that more so today than ever.

Today was the 6th grade Muffins for Moms. I attended my 8th grader's event a couple of Wednesdays ago. It was great. I met another mom, whose son rides the bus with my boys, who lives behind us. She sounds like one busy woman. She also told D that he and T are welcome to come over because she has boys both their ages.

I really wanted to go to his first hour class with him today, but I'd already signed up to volunteer for the vision/hearing screening for the 7th graders. I got to bring in students 12 at a time, rotate them out 6 at a time, and direct them on leaving the room. Let me just say that middle schoolers are much easier to keep quiet during hearing screenings than preschoolers.

I felt so good when I left. Doing things that are--and always have been--important to me makes me want to do better in other areas. I want to be a better housekeeper, I want to be better at time management at home, I want to eat regular meals with the boys, I want to write and live and experience new things, both on my own and with my boys.

Any type of relationship is tough. But any relationship that means anything is worth the time and effort it takes to cultivate a strong and lasting bond. Sure, I've been lacking in many areas of my life, including parenting, but I have a new attitude now. Instead of living like there's no tomorrow (as the saying goes) I'm going to live like today is the most important day of my life. I'm going to love those boys and care for them like I get them for one day. Not in the sense of play and party, but in the sense that I need to bond with them, make the most of the time we have. My boys are 11 and 13, and in a few short years they will be heading out into the world on their own. They will be leaving the nest. I want them to be able to carry many good memories, many good examples, out into the world with them.

And I want to have such memories for myself as well.

I know as a mom I'll always worry about them; about their safety and their choices and their lives. I'd like to have given them at least a few tools that will make those easier for them.

But no matter what, I'll always be a proud mom. And every chance I get, from now until the end of my life, I am going to continue to be Mom for a Day!

Emotional Hangovers

2011-10-05T13:37:00.000-07:00

I just woke up from a depression nap. I crashed on the couch at 11:30 thinking I would take a power nap and woke up at 3. My head is still foggy and I'm drained, but darned if I'm going to let it win this time.

It's been an ugly few months. I tried not to throw things out in the Internet world. I'm proud that he didn't either—at least until he changed his relationship status on Facebook before he actually officially broke it off with me. The fact that I wasn't even important enough to be informed first kind of hurt, but in the grand scheme of things, I can let that slide.

He asked if I was relieved it was over. Yes, and no. I invested a lot in this relationship, but I will never be good enough for him. Too many signs say he doesn't care enough about me to prompt me to try to prolong this investment any further. Sometimes it's best to cash out and move on.

He told me that he sees me moving in with someone else and doing what I want until they kick me out. All that did was irritate me. I didn't get angry, which is a big step for me. A year ago, he may have pegged me right. A year ago we were happy—back when I was the person he thinks I am now.

I plan to NOT live with anyone else for a long time. I've grown so much, but I have so much road to travel yet, it wouldn't be fair to add another person. Over the last three months, I have found the mom in me that was so lacking. I've made an effort to eat meals with them, to go do things with them, to keep up with their grades at the school. I volunteer at their school, even though it isn't always in their classrooms, and I've decided to step up and take a broader role in making my presence known in their lives.

This morning I attended the Muffins for Moms for the 7/8th grade students. I didn't interact much with the other moms (it's hard to push into the circles when many of them have spent years together in social activities involving their kids), but I had a great time with T-man. The book fair was going on also, so we wandered through that and I bought each of the boys a book. T helped pick one out for D, and I am actually proud that T showed an interest in something when I was around.

I also got to go to first hour with him. First hour turns out to be reading class. Perfect. He aced his quiz on The Outsiders and his teacher told me he is doing fantastic. T shared a lot with me today at the school. I know my time and attention is important to him. D is the same way. THAT is where I want to focus my attentions. I don't need someone in my life. I don't need to feel inadequate, or miserable, or fight to prove myself and fail constantly. I've done enough of that with my kids, and I NEED to make these next years with them the best, most memorable, that I can.

I've started hard core job search, and I am trying to find another place to live. The latter is difficult and hinges on the first, at least for the area I would like to remain in until my boys graduate high school.

My counselor told me I amaze her. She said she doesn't know how I do it all—school, work, kids, and self-improvement—but that I'm a strong person and can do anything I want to do. My best friend tells me the same thing.

And do you know what? I believe them. I know that, from the inside out. I will meet my goals, I will be the person I want to be with the habits and hobbies I want to have. And I will have a good relationship with my kids and the other people I choose to allow into my life.

Life is about embracing the little things, the important people, and seizing every opportunity to better ourselves. That is my goal for the next ten years. Watch me grow. Watch me fly. Watch me live!

Take that, emotional hangover!

Help is a Four-Letter Word

2011-07-21T07:28:00.000-07:00

I realized something today. I realized just how much I’ve needed something that I fought every step of the way. Today, I’m going to bare my soul.

I wouldn’t say that I’ve had the worst life. I don’t even know if I would call it bad, in terms of others’ points of view. I know people who have had bad lives, rough lives, as I prefer to call them because being alive is a gift no matter how bad, but I have gone through more than I should have. I won’t go into the details of that, but I will say that it left me with many scars, and many emotional wounds that have yet to heal.

I started seeing a counselor about a month back. I was scared to go, it took pushing aside every ounce of pride that I had that I could do it myself, work through my issues, overcome my anxiety—anxiety that surrounds me many hours of every day—and tackle those underlying issues. I had an appointment scheduled for today. I got the call that she was out sick. No big deal, right? We rescheduled and all should be fine.

Honestly, I was crushed. I didn’t realize just how nice it is to have someone to dump on, someone who says things I need to hear. Someone who is impressed by my coping skills, that I already implement the majority of the tactics that they have been trained to recommend to people who suffer from anxiety and panic attacks. It’s nice not to be judged for not doing things the way most people do them, for being a bit behind on the social scale, on the mom scale, on doing things that the average, everyday person already knows and does.

I’m learning, I’m growing, I’m really proud of myself. I finally see myself in a better place, I can visualize being where I want to be instead of just dreaming and fantasizing about it wistfully and wishing it would happen. I know it’s possible. I know that with hard work and learning to harness my stubborn determination I can be in a career that isn’t fast food or retail. I can be an awesome mom. I can get out and do things without feeling sick every minute I’m out of the house. My stubbornness used to drive me to get out, but it has always been a relief to get back into my safe area, my comfort zone. Most times, I didn’t want to leave it to begin with.

Now, I have four comfort zones: school, work, the bookstore, and my counselor’s office. I go out to coffee, I go shopping and am excited about it, I joined the Phi Theta Kappa honor society by invitation, an opportunity I passed up in Oregon because I just didn’t feel good enough.

Ironically enough, I now sometimes feel stifled at home. I moved here to be with my boyfriend, and although moving was the best decision I ever made, sometimes I feel like I’m a miserable let down to him. It’s at home I feel the biggest ball of nervous energy. My boyfriend has in his mind a certain ideal of what a family should be like, and though I try hard, sometimes I just can’t get it right, and definitely not consistently as of yet. And so, when he pokes at my wounds (unintentionally, mind you) I tune out. I turn off. Instead of hating myself, I simply feel…nothing. In a way, I guess that’s growing. It’s nice not to feel angry and frustrated all the time, and yet, I’m terrified that I don’t know how simply to feel happy or content. Before I started growing it was either angry or ecstatic, there was no middle ground. Now, when I’m not angry, most times I merely live in a gray fog. I hate it. I guess a part of me is still punishing myself for…well…I don’t know why I do that anymore.

I never learned to manage my emotions; I kept things hidden away because in my family and in my life, it was always like that. And I’m learning to realize that the only person who can really manage my feelings and emotions is me, and I shouldn’t give other people that control all the time. Others may influence emotions, but they should never be in control of them.

They say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. As cliché as it is, there is some truth to it. I’m thirty-six years of age, and it’s really hard for me to make some of the changes I need to make. Unfortunately, I can see the start of the same trend in my kids. My poor, beautiful boys who have had to suffer through my mess with me. My poor teenage son who often winds up on my boyfriend’s shit-list because he uses negative attention to get his way. Well, what my hon doesn’t understand, is that I don’t want to discuss my son with him, I don’t want to address those issues with him, because, quite frankly, I’m the one that made him that way with my stubborn determination to do things myself. If I had sought out help earlier, if I’d made more of an effort back when my kids were young…

But what-ifs get you nowhere. I can’t plan for teenage Armageddon the way my boyfriend does. I don’t want to think of myself as failing before I even get a chance to try. So we fight. He wants to plan for the worst; I want to try to curb the problem before it gets to that point. Why plan for something that won’t happen, right? Part of it is I panic when I think about failing. If I fail my boy, I fail myself. All this time, money, and effort to be a better person, to learn to deal with real life in a real way will be wasted. I want to help my sons to not grow up like…well…like me. I want them to have a solid grasp on their feelings, a true understanding of how things should be, to be prepared to enter the big, challenging world that waits for them when they leave home.
There are so many things I could add to all this, so many things I could say, but this is enough. I’m more terrified that if I don’t take care of myself I’ll screw up my kids than I am of anything else. However, I’m not just doing this for them; I’m finally doing it for me.

There is no shame in getting help. There is no shame in finding someone you trust (even if you have to pay for it) who is trained to deal with such things, to be a sounding board.

There is no shame in change or growth or accepting that sometimes you can’t do it on your own.

On that note, I’m going to get ready to step outside my comfort zone, drag my pre-teen down to the pool, and spend some quality one-on-one time with him before Wednesday when my teen comes home from his summer with the grandparents.

I’ll leave you all to your regularly scheduled whatever, but remember…

"Help" may be a four-letter word, but that doesn’t make it evil.

Have a great rest of the week, all!

Searching for Swag

2011-06-30T18:37:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I've never been very good about referral links and promoting such things, but I've had a great deal of success using this without much promotion, enough so that it almost feels selfish not to share. You know what that means. Yep. A little shameless promotion is in order.

What is Swagbucks? Swagbucks is a great way to earn…well…"swagbucks" for activities in which most internet users already participate. There is no credit card required, and I know that once I got the hang of things, it really was easy.

What can you do with swagbucks? I tend to redeem my swagbucks for Amazon gift cards. Yeah, I have a book fetish, but there is so much more available, not only on Amazon, but also at Swagbucks. I’ve received $75 in Amazon e-gift cards from Swagbucks since December 2, 2010. I have $5 more on the way, and just redeemed for another $5 installment today.

Whether you have your own interests you’d like to invest more in, or if you simply want to use your earnings to supplement birthday or Christmas budgets, the first thing you need to do is sign up for Swagbucks through my referral link.

Can I earn from referrals? Yes, bringing in referrals is one way to earn. I earn up to 1,000 swagbucks from each referral, but only through matching swagbucks amounts from searching . And searching isn’t difficult at all. Simply go to the Swagbucks homepage and use the search bar—or do what I finally did and install the Swagbucks toolbar—and start searching for things you would normally search for anyway. It’s as simple as that

Are there other ways to earn? Absolutely! There are many more ways to earn, but I think searching is a good place to start. Go forth and sign up, search a few times throughout the day (you won’t win with every search, it’s random), and get comfortable with that. Browse the site, and look through the swag store and redemption area to see what options are available to you. I’ll post another installment soon to help you on your Swagbucks journey.

Happy Swagging!

Paper Cuts

2011-06-27T06:19:00.000-07:00

It's high time I threw out a little update, don't you think?

A while back Brett and I decided we wanted to take our love of books to the next level and came up with Paper Cut Publishing.

The very first go at this, our First Cut anthology will be available to the public very soon. I'm insanely proud!

We just listed another submission opportunity and are still working out the details on a third book idea.

You never really know just how much work something is until you do it. Yep. LOADS of work, but definitely well worth it.

And on that note, I'm going to go read a story I've been dying to finish for months. :P

School's Out for Summer

2011-06-12T07:52:00.000-07:00

It's been a busy couple of weeks, but at the same time, well worth it.

My classes ended mid May; the boys, the first of June. I volunteered to chaperone a field trip for my youngest son's class. We went to Topeka. I experienced my first toll road, the Capitol Building, and the History Museum. I carpooled with three other class parents, all of whom have girls, that live near me. Just doing my part to be less antisocial. *grin*

The Capitol Building was beautiful overall. They are in the midst of construction on the dome, so we didn't really get the full effect of that. We heard the history of the building, its architecture, and the murals on the walls; a geographical informative rundown of where the materials came from to refurbish/build everything; and a brief explanation of the legislative process. Of course, the boys in my group were more interested in talking the tour guide into going up on the balcony, at which they failed miserably. I have to admit that our tour guide was a very patient, if not entirely too soft-spoken, man. He did do a no-no and let us peek in the restricted underground passage that led from the basement of the Capitol Building, under the street, to the building on the opposite side. I thought that was a really nice gesture by him. Of course, I think I was the only person there who thought it was cool. Everyone else had seen everything already. If I were to go again, I'd probably enjoy it a lot more in a smaller group with a little more time to admire everything.

The History Museum was an interesting experience also. I would love to return and take a bit more time to explore. Kids, however, aren't nearly as intrigued by those sorts of things. They prefer to play and shop at the gift shop. So we went through it quick, made a stop at the store, and then finished our little tour with a jaunt up the short stairway to see the planes hanging from the ceiling. Yeah, I didn't do so hot up there. Fear of heights. Ack! The boys' favorite part of the trip was the train, which was INSIDE the building. That rocked! Unfortunately, time was too short to spend much of in that one spot. Definitely not nearly enough time for me.

On the ride back, the other moms in the car shared a few places that would be fun to take D (my son) to see during the summer. I've forgotten the names of the places already, but a quick Google search should pull them right up.

That was the last full week of school. The next three days went quick. D attended a BBQ and pool party for the fifth grade boys at the end of the last day. He had a "total blast," as he put it. He didn't want to leave the pool—which is only a few blocks from here and costs $5 for county residents—and I don't blame him; it did look pretty awesome from where I stood.

A week later, T (my teenager) boarded his first plane on his own for Oregon. He's going to spend the next seven weeks with the grandparents and my sister. He's been a handful and hasn't been away from his brother much in his thirteen years, but I'm thinking this will be good for all of us. D will be able to explore his own interests and have the freedom to do what he wants. T will get to enjoy all the attention he can handle—which is great for an attention hog. Brett and I can focus on taking care of us. He can do his writing (I've been particularly needy the last few months, which drives him insane) and play football on the Xbox; and I can work on all the silly little things I need to work on that most people already know how and do. Together we can get the First Cut Anthology finished and start selling that sweet, little bad boy.

My promotion at work brought its own transitions. So far, it's gone pretty smooth. Well, aside from the almost electrocution of one employee my first night of being shadowed instead of shadowing. She's fine, and everything is back to Norman (Yes, I just said Norman.)

For the first time in a long time, I'm looking forward to a great summer. I'm sure I'll still be ready for the boys to return to school, but with the progress I've made, am making, and will continue to make, I think I'll be better equipped to handle the preparations—especially with this much needed break from teen angst to get the adult relationship in this family back on track. I don't care how healthy a relationship is, kids definitely add strain. They are, in the long run, worth it, but it's a constant work in progress—something I sometimes take for granted and forget because I've been with my boys their entire lives where he hasn't.

Well, it looks like I've rambled on enough. I should get off this machine and get my butt in gear. Breakfast calls, and when my stomach speaks, I must obey!

Here's to a good summer, for not only myself, but anyone who happens to read this!

Tennagers, Introverts, and Issues, Oh My!

2011-05-17T16:06:00.000-07:00

I never really understood real frustration until this year. I mean, I've been frustrated, yes, but it's a different ballpark all together when you are frustrated because of a lack of effort out of fear than it is when you are giving your all and feeling like no one cares.

By no one, I mean my soon-to-be-officially-a-teenager son.

I always assumed that the horror stories were much exaggerated by parents who were stuck in the middle of things. And honestly, maybe they are.

Needless to say, I have a great deal of appreciation for people who volunteer above and beyond what is required in order to work with teens. I don't think I could do it. At this point, I'm not sure I'll make it through the next two weeks, let alone the next seven years.

Having a teenager who is emotional, doesn't understand the concept of peer pressure and sound parental advice, and that his actions not only embarrass those in his life, but also make them look like they don't give a rat's patukkus, is pure hell.

Teenagers can't deal with their growing bodies, their charged hormones, and their desired independence. They aren't quite at the point where they can be independent without having some form of supervision, but they resent that they need adult fingers prying into their pie, so to speak.

Bringing an emerging teenager into a household with someone who spent years and years on his own makes for rocky patches. And I don't mean the kind of rocks that have been through the process of being smoothed out, I mean the still jagged, tear things up, sharp rocks. I feel like I'm in the rock tumbler with him and everything is falling apart around me.

Sometimes I'm not sure if I can keep it all together. My other half says he's at his wit's end. We're all falling apart. And my son just doesn't get it.

So, this summer, he is going to spend almost two months with his grandparents. My parents. The people I still have a very difficult time communicating with and being comfortable around. He will be getting on a plane, flying by himself, and returning the same way.

It's funny, and not in a ha ha way, how he tends to get in with the kids that seem like good eggs, but the more he tries to make himself look good when he gets in trouble, the more I think he's going to be in a lot of trouble over the next few years.

I really want to have some more good times with him before it hits, but I fear it's already too late. I made some mistakes in my past, wasn't the best mom in the world, and probably still lack in an innumerable amount of ways, but I can't help but hope I still have a chance to be a good mom to him.

It hurts. I ache inside. I honestly don't know what else to do that I'm not already doing. I've had e-mail after e-mail and phone call after phone call from the school, both from teachers and from the principal. I've tried to be more structured at home. I've been working on my own issues so that there are fewer things that can blow back into my face in the form of "well, you do such and such."

Somedays I feel like I'm doing it alone. Not only do I have to try to understand and figure out myself and my teen, I need to learn the ropes about my introvert boyfriend's personality and adapt to his needs. He can only handle so much human interaction at a time, and he has reached that point. Me, the more I have to be strong, the more demanding my emotional needs become. I'm trying to be strong for so many people right now, and all I really want to do is crawl in a hole somewhere and sleep for the next seven years because this "sucking it up" crap isn't working so well.

I've spent years learning to ask for and accept help.It's taken a lot to get to that point. I openly admit that I can't do this alone. I can't. I suppose I just need to find a way to juggle all these personalities. I need to find a way to be strong and let my hunny recharge his human-contact batteries, try to keep my son from falling completely off the straight and narrow before he even hits that thirteenth birthday mark next weekend, and find a way to stay sane without becoming a needy emotional cow.

Someone told me age thirteen is the hardest. I can do this. I can make it. A few big breaths and a tight hold on sanity and I'm home free.

But wait a minute...

As soon as I make it through this mess...

TAKE TWO with the other one!

AUGGGH!

Hmmm, time to go incognito and run away? Maybe so...

Any suggestions?

Seriously, bring them on. The funnier the better. Laughter is, after all, the best medicine.

Hammer Another Nail into the Family Coffin

2011-04-02T15:12:00.000-07:00

Mid June I loaded my kids into the car and stuffed what would fit around them and drove almost 1,900 miles to start a new life. It was a long drive, and the most excited thing I've ever done. For the first time I felt at peace, a little nervous, but truly at peace.

My entire life has been spent trying to be perfect, failing miserably, and second-guessing myself every step of the way. I didn't realize just how much that had changed until yesterday.

Talking to my parents is still a rough task, but it's few and far between for phone conversations now, and I'm honestly okay with that. But they aren't what opened my eyes this time.

My sister recently invited me to be her friend on facebook.

Despite my misgivings and doubts, I accepted.

That right there was mistake number one. I'm not ready to deal with my issues with my family. Not. Ready. At. All.

I kept up with her feed. Mistake number two. I understand that my family has a dry, sarcastic sense of humor. But...there is a point where humor becomes something else. It's taken me a long time to realize how badly my defense mechanisms hurt other people. And by defense mechanisms in this case I mean humor. It's never intentional, it's always someone else's fault, it's always meant as a joke. But it really isn't. It really isn't, and even if it was, it still hurts.

Don't get me wrong, I still have a somewhat dry sense of humor. But I'm learning how to make that a positive thing. Honestly, I doubt I'll ever be done growing and relearning all those horrible tendencies that are instilled in me so deep I'm not even sure where to start digging, but I'm trying.

Anyway, apparently she made a comment that was meant as a dry humor comment. What people forget, is that dry humor doesn't really come across on the internet. On the internet, we get flat words. Black and white, no sound, no gestures, just words. So, I took those words at face value.

And that is when I made mistake number three.

I opened my big, fat mouth. Some people never listen. Some people never accept responsibility for anything they do. Some people will always place blame, and then accuse the person they place the blame on of placing the blame on them. This is how I was raised, no, this was how all us kids were raised.

I envy my brother. I envy him, but I respect him. He had the courage to do what I couldn't do. He walked away from that. And for that I admire him. So...when my sister said something about him, it made me mad, but then she threw in his girlfriend and her kids. These are people she doesn't know. These are people she judged before she gave them a chance. These are good people I have never met but who put a smile on my brother's face and a light in his eyes. I've seen him happy in pictures. My brother. Happy.

And that was when I snapped.

Picking on him, putting him down in the privacy of messaging or home is one thing. But on a PUBLIC facebook profile? The entire world doesn't need access to my family's dysfunction. (Hello world! *waves*)

Needless to say, after my comment she posted that she was mad at me. Okay, fine, no big deal. What else is new? Someone is always mad at someone else in my family. Whoop-dee-doo.

Someone commented and asked what I did now. What? I've been in Dorothyland for 9 months. What did I do now? Okay. *shrug* I could have let that go, too. But...

My sister responded that I'd played judge, jury, and executioner. Do what? I did what? Why yes, yes it was me who said that my brother loved his girlfriend more than me. It was me who said that I was more important than his happiness and his life. It was me who said that I was mad at my sis, and all on a public internet profile. Yep, that was all me. Wait a minute. No, it wasn't. So how did I play judge and jury, and who or what did I execute?

It was at that point I truly did execute something. I executed our friend status. I beheaded that puppy with a swiftness. But it didn't end there. She sent me a nasty gram. In my opinion, family shouldn't attack each other. They shouldn't drag dirty laundry out in public. They shouldn't...well... they should do a lot of things my family does. Anyway, I responded that I wasn't offended, was working on things, wished her well, and blocked her.

Why? Why would I go so far as to block her?

Well, for nine months I've worked hard, tried hard, gone out of my comfort zone over and over to work at bettering myself. For nine months I've done a fantastic job. And then I accepted her request.

For the past two days, I've made my beautiful boyfriend miserable. I've made him suffer my moods, my breakdowns, my lapse in the self-confidence that took the last nine months to build. My kids have suffered. I have suffered. I have cried, felt exhausted and been depressed.

I won't deal with it any more. I refuse. I shouldn't have to. I'm honestly and truly trying to grow, and I gave a chance to someone for whom I keep hanging onto that thread of hope. But I need to learn that she is who she is and just let it go. She has my parents when she wants them. She has her son. She doesn't need me.

I don't like emotional games. I don't do well when I have to deal with them in my personal life. I've been involved in way too many.

So, for now, I no longer have a sister. It hurts to say that, it breaks my heart. I feel like crying again, but I won't. I've grown in strength, grown in appreciation for the good in my life, and I won't let the negative drag me back down.

Maybe someday I'll be able to have a relationship with my blood family, maybe not. But either way, I'm going to spend the rest of my days being happy, no matter what life brings me.

Valentine's Day: Arrow in Backside, or Thorn in Side?

2011-02-13T16:41:00.000-08:00

This holiday has to be one of my least favorite. Why? Well, it isn't because I'm alone this holiday and resent being alone; it's because every year it brings out the best and worst in people.

And that makes it one of my least favorites why?

Think about it. If you are in love, and that love is new, you dance around happily wishing anyone and everyone a happy Valentine's Day without a care in the world. Of course, not everyone has a Valentine. Or at least that is what they think.

This is my first official Valentine's Day with my hunny, the most wonderful person in my life. He has to work tomorrow. Honestly, at first I was unhappy about that, but for me, with him, every day is Valentine's Day. February 14 is merely an excuse to show it, to go out and do something we normally wouldn't make time to do. It's a time to remember how much we care about each other, how much we are willing to sacrifice to gain oh so much more.

My youngest is still at that age where they exchange Valentine's in school. It has nothing to do with love, but more so with friendship and affection, sharing and caring. When did we as adults lose so much of that youthful innocence and become bitter, savage, vengeful creatures. Why is it that when we have "no one" to share our life with, Valentine's Day is something horrible, designed by the happy to flaunt that happiness to those who don't have such happiness? Why is it when we do have someone, it's the best day in the world?

This year, I've only seen a couple of comments. Perhaps that is simply because I'm busier than a beaver mending a dam on the edge of Niagara Falls and haven't had time to notice such trivial nonsense. Then again, maybe it's because I've been on that "no one to share it with" side enough times that I know what will happen if I mention it.

What I'd like to see from my friends, both in real life and in the social networking circles, is that youthful appreciation of others that we all used to be bombarded with on the holiday of hearts. I'd like to see those who think it's a load of bull reach out and tell someone that they matter in their life and how appreciative they are that said person is a part of it. I'd like to see valid reasons, remembering of the good things—the good people—in their lives, instead of the negativity that tends to spawn from the backside of cupid's flaming arrow missing its mark in some way.

In fact, I'll start.

Brett: I'm colossally grateful that I ran into you on Twitter and hounded you to pursue me. I think we both stepped outside our comfort zone way beyond normal to make this work and grow, and for that, I am truly blessed. Without you, I would still be stagnating. Thank you for pulling the headphones of white noise from my ears and waking me up to the intangible amount of opportunity that awaits me.

Judi and Gary: You are the best faux-ma and pa a girl could never ask for. I came into my relationship with your son ready to accept him and his flaws, and to embrace his family along with him. I never expected to be embraced in return. Thank you for giving me the family I wished so long to have and for accepting both my boys and I into your world. You have given me the greatest friend I've ever had, and for that, you have my undying gratitude.

T & D: Unfortunately, I won't let these two wonderful youngsters read my blog just yet. They have not yet reached the age appropriate size for this ride. But, despite the angst that inevitably comes with puberty and the teenage years we are heading into, I love them as much as the day they were born.

My readers: I'm not disillusioned to the fact that I have a small handful of people who read my blog. I don't post regularly enough, or with steady enough content to warrant a huge fan base, but that doesn't make my readers any less important to me than if I did have that huge following I used to long for. In fact, that makes you all the more important. I love my blog. I love putting myself out there. Without you, dear reader, I would not think things through nearly as much as if no one read my scribbles, my thoughts, my musings. You make me think, make me consider possibilities that go beyond the normal random outburst of emotion, and sometimes, remembering that I am not the only one who reads my thoughts here on the web, you make me really take a step back and see my flaws before I throw out some misguided rambling I may regret later. I may still find myself misguided when I look back at a future date, but having even just one reader definitely makes the learning process a much easier transition.

And that is my Valentine's Day Soap Box Sermon for 2011. May your day be filled with peace and happiness, even if you have to treat yourself. And believe me, after all you, dear reader, have done for me, you deserve it!

Happy Valentine's Day, all. Enjoy your Monday. :D

New Year's Desolutions and A Fresh Start. Uhhhh, riiiiiiiiiiight.

2010-12-31T06:30:00.000-08:00

What is it about the new year that makes people believe in the magic of that ball dropping at midnight and giving them something to look forward to?

What makes people think that THIS coming year will be any better than the last?

Is it all conditioning, a marketing ploy to get us to go out and buy the latest thing to "help lose weight", "get more organized", or "get out of debt" because the holidays have pretty much maxed out the populous?

Whatever it is, people do it, every year, without fail and without serious thought. What is it that makes that one particular day special? We don't pay taxes that day. School doesn't let out that day. Life doesn't just magically reset that day, either.

Honestly, I don't care about the reason. For me, rarely has the New Year been a beautiful time of rejuvenation and starting over. In fact, most years it has been a depressing show of what I don't have, what I will never have, a time to wallow in the misery that was the year before.

And resolutions? Right. What are those about? Hey, I resolve to do this, this, and that. Poof. It magically happens, right? Nope. And because year after year, most people fail at their resolutions, I started calling them desolutions. Pretty much, right from the start, people set themselves up for the same misery the following year. I've seen it already, on Facebook, in life, pretty much everywhere I go. "I'm going to do such and such this year", "This year will be better. Last year sucked." Really? And why did it suck? How is it going to be better? Is Baby New Year going to wave a magic wand and send cupid to your doorstep for Valentine's Day, or a million dollar check to your mailbox on your birthday? Or send the liposuction fairy to your bed while you dream so you can wake up with those six pack abs, or runway model legs?

To be frank, the answer is no. No. No. No. No. No.

So, I don't make resolutions. I don't just claim the New Year as a fresh start.

How many of you out there have a five year plan? I don't. I have an idea of where I want to be, but up until now, I just went through the motions. Mind you, I made goals, but they were all short term. And there is nothing wrong with short term goals. They are like those rungs on a ladder that get you to where you want to be.

But this year, this year is different for me. I planned last year, made goals, found a team mate and lover and friend all rolled into one that gives me hope that I can make it to that place I want to be in five years. I haven't changed for him, but with his help.

And so, this year, I'm not making desolutions or resolutions or a fresh start. Because I did that mid year this past year. I didn't need a set day. Pshaw on the New Year Fresh Start ideal. Any time is a good time for a new beginning.

What I am doing this year is setting goals for this year. Why at New Years? Because that gives me a reference point. New Years shouldn't be about looking back with regrets, or merely hoping for better in the future. It should be a jumping off point for renewed goals and a redefining of plans, if anything.

So this year, my goals are:

Keep my 4.0 (Or at least try my hardest to do so. I won't be too angry if I don't so long as I try.
Help my kids adapt better to living in KS. They've done pretty good so far, but have had a hard time making friends because we haven't invited any over. So, I want to give them birthday parties, even if they are at a park somewhere, and help them have a life outside of just school and home, something I never really had.
Write AND sub more stories. Be supportive of the hunny in his efforts to motivate me, and be less of a discouragement to him just because I get discouraged. I'm sure I wasted many of his valuable writing hours because I was being a whiny baby about things that were just excuses as to why "I can't right now."

That's it. I'm not going to overload myself with a bazillion little things. I'm going to strive to do what I need to in little ways to make this happen. One major thing and two supporting goals are quite enough to get me through the year. And when I finish schooling, I'll set new goals. I'll make new decisions. But no matter what, I won't look back with regrets.

And if something should change mid year... well...I'll jump that hurdle when I get there.

How does a perfectionist edit?

2010-12-22T09:41:00.000-08:00

Looking back at the last couple of posts has been a bit depressing. So, I figured I'd brighten it up a bit and explain my own personal editing strategy. This should clarify a bit the reason I get a little, uh, testy? when I see people who don't bother editing before submitting. And by not editing, I mean missing a step as simple as my editing phase one.

So, without further ado, I give you my own personal four step editing process.

Step 1: SPELL CHECK. Now, while spell check doesn't catch all errors, like simple typos when the typos are actual words (her instead of here), it does catch more than people realize. But, all in all, I'm amazed when I see the amount of mistakes that a simple click and change can easily fix.

Step 2: HARD COPY EDITS. I hate staring at a screen to edit. It feels so formal and intangible. So, I tend to print out my manuscripts (yes, I know, waste of paper and ink...but hold on, let me finish before you go all save the planet on me). I print my pages single spaced, front and back, ink saver, and on lesser quality paper. This way, I read through, I mark up, and I tweak my content. I consider this my content editing stage because it's where I focus on the characters and plot and details that are vital to good story telling.

Step 3: TRANSFERENCE. Yes, I do have to go through and input my hard copy edits. Waste of time, you say? I call bull to that. For me, entering them gives me that second pass. I get to not only make sure that my content works as edited, I also watch for grammar, spelling, and other technical errors. This allows me to catch errors I would have missed had I bypassed the hard copy stage and gone straight to e-format editing.

Step 4: READ ALOUD. Yes, really. I do read my stories aloud to myself. Chapter by chapter. Page by page. It's amazing how many errors fly by when you go through your pages without the narration. My characters are dancing in my head, they talk to me, they show me what they are doing, and I've already transcribed it to print format. Unfortunately, sometimes when I watch the performance more than once, I miss things because I stopped seeing the words. Reading the story aloud allows my mind to slow down and hear how things flow. My eyes move faster than my mouth, so I consider this an integral part of catching simple things I would normally miss, such as that her to here issue I mentioned in step 1.

There you have it. My editing in a nutshell. I'm nothing but thorough.

I will guarantee, however, that no matter how thorough I am, I still miss things. But I sure do miss a lot less than if I write it out and call it done and leave a lot of work to the underpaid and under-appreciated editors who work behind the scenes to help my story be the best that it can be.

Right now, I'm on step 2 of Chapter 14 of a 20 chapter story. I want it done and submitted before the end of the month. Think I can do it?

I sure hope so!

Am I really published?

2010-12-21T07:14:00.000-08:00

I don't like to stir up trouble. Nope. Not one bit. But, I've been a part of something that has been, of itself, a huge battlefield.

I haven't really been involved. In fact, I think I made one comment on the lack of professionalism all around.

What gets my goat, if I had a goat at this point anyway, is that for the longest time I wanted to be a published author. I wanted to write something great and put it out there for the world to read. Yeah, I know, me and a million other people out there.

I haven't had many dreams. Four, to be exact. I wanted to find a good job, writing preferable, and then buy a house, get married, and have kids. Right. That went exactly according to plan. What happened was, I got married, had a son, got divorced, had another son, lived in a couple houses that weren't mine, and finally found a few places to publish my stories.

I could probably count on both hands how many books with my stories in them have sold. Yeah, I'm such a good promoter. Seriously, I am terrible at shameless self promotion. I didn't believe too much in myself, and then I sold a few short stories. Made exactly $2 and change on those, woo hoo. No big loss, I suppose, I actually got paid.

But then I sold my larger story. I was PSYCHED! I was ECSTATIC! FINALLY! The only dream I had that wasn't yet tainted.

Yes, you do see it coming like a bad horror story. It is tainted. And just like a bad horror story, I don't care. I know where it's going, what's going to happen, and how it's going to end. And it will end badly, be a flop, and serve up a final anticlimactic finale that ruins that dream too.

I waited, and watched, and considered complaining about royalties and statements like others were. Some, it seems, are getting paid, and others, like myself, aren't. Those who aren't getting paid are the "complainers" and those who "don't promote". Yeah, like I said, I can't sell a book to save my life apparently.

I've read excuse after excuse. From sick family members, to not enough time, to a death in the family, to contract speak about so much time from the end of the period to get them out. Fine. So be it. No worries. Everyone has a personal life and can sympathize to a point, once in a while. But this is not a once in a while thing.

Since I've been there, and my book has been out almost a year, I've gotten maybe two statements. I know of one for a fact, after the trouble that the publisher went through to get me that one, I just stopped looking for them. I stopped reading the complaints. I saw enough of the bad publicity that I lost faith, not just in the company that boosted my dreams, that made me feel that the one unsoiled vision of my future could really be a reality, but in myself. Another stupid mistake on my part, another bad decision, another jumping the gun because I wanted it so bad I refused to be patient and instead settled for "the next best thing." Just a quick note, DON'T DO THAT!

I'm just not cut out to be a real writer. I am not a promoter of self. I am not a big fan of shoving my stories down someone's throat, or stepping on toes, or coming up with a gimmick. I just wanted to write, just wanted to live one of my dreams without screwing it up, just wanted to be happy.

Well, I've given up on that publisher. I've stopped waiting for statements that will say I sold no books, or maybe one book, or who knows, but not even the minimum to get a check. I no longer give a crap. I've written that story off because I just don't have the fight in me right now to find a way out of a contract I've lived up to but has been pushed back and pushed back on the other end. You win, publisher. You get the story that was written with blood and tears, from the heart, about my heart and that of my son. But you don't care. You are in it for the money. You are in it for you. You can't tell me otherwise, because any entrepreneur who gives a lick about their company will find someone they trust to help run it when personal life gets in the way. A good company is self-sufficient, has a web of safety net finances and associates so that everything comes together and one bad quarter is shrugged off by those who have busted ass working for a mere penny or two. A good company follows through on more than just their threats, to ALL their clients, because they believe in the company and what they do and know that without those who gave input, there would be no company.

I won't get a paycheck. I won't get involved in the battle. And I am NOT a one hit wonder. I loved that story. But I can write more, get published other places, do my research this time IN DEPTH before jumping in all excited like.

I guess I'm writing this because I want my spark back. I feel it glowing in there. So if I toss aside this one piece and I put my everything into and start over like it never happened, maybe I can have my dream back. It will never be the same dream, not at all, because in the other areas of my life, the ones I felt I failed my dreams in, I've found that dreams can change, dreams can come true in ways I never imagined. And those are the best dreams of all.

I want to live my dreams. I want to make new ones.

And so that is what I'm going to do.

Goodbye my story, goodbye my past. The future burns bright, and this time I'll build a firm foundation in a place that won't erode like the proverbial house on the sand.

And with that being said, I have ten days to get this manuscript properly edited, everything formatted properly, a bio written to go along with it, and all of it subbed before the submissions close at a certain place. Then, I wait. And...if I get a rejection there, I have a second place in mind as a potential home.

They say home is where the heart is, and my heart is finally home!

Want some candy, little boy?

2010-12-14T09:35:00.000-08:00

For those of you who haven't noticed, I'm very particular about issues pertaining to children.

I'm a fairly open person, I don't judge others based on their lifestyle or choices that may differ from mine, and I believe in the philosophy of live and let live.

HOWEVER...

As open as I am with my children, I will not put them in a place where they will be subjected or associated with adult content. When I sign up for places online, such as groups and social networking sites, I do so with certain expectations in mind. If you have a personal space, a MySpace page or a Facebook account or even a blog, great. I expect to see updates about your kids and your hobbies and other everyday pursuits. Fantastic, love to keep up with that. If you indulge in a bit of adult content in other avenues, or alternate profiles, and I choose to follow those, great, more power to you.

BUT...

I will not tolerate being subjected to borderline adult content on the same venue that I'm updated about family matters involving children. To me, that openly invites those out there who hunt down adult content in any form, the right to view the children in the same titillating manner. By subjecting me to that type of content unsolicited and unwarned, not only will I hide or delete any updates on your personal site, I will also no longer support any other avenues you may promote. To me, letting seductive adult images and pictures of children share the same space is a HUGE no-no. PERIOD.

I believe in raising my boys (now pre-teens who will be getting into the T&A scene soon enough, thank you very much) to respect women for more than just their bodies. And when I limit my browsing and reading of updates to certain sites during certain times in order to give that respect time to sink in before their raging hormones kick in, and that trust of content is violated, something has to go...

And it certainly isn't going to be my boys!

Getting animated for child abuse? Do what now?

2010-12-05T08:54:00.000-08:00

Cartoons have taken over Facebook...

Why have little comic faces appeared as people's avatars on the ever popular social network site?

Supposedly to help fight child abuse.

How? I don't rightly know. Probably the same way stating the color of your bra, or where you put your purse helped support breast cancer.

Really, people, if you want to do something about child abuse, listen to kids when they talk. Listen to their body language, watch for the signs, and then do something about it.

I'm all too aware of the signs. I really wish I wasn't. I've been the victim of a victim. And while I won't go into detail, I will say that when things happen to children, especially in households where "such things don't happen and shouldn't be talked about" it affects them well into adulthood. I walked away from my marriage for this very reason the first time he laid a hand on my son. Personal experience has shown me that people who have been abused tend to subconsciously search out those kinds of relationships, or become bullies themselves. And that wasn't something I wanted for my child.

Only recently have I come to accept that my past has affected every relationship I've been in. Only recently did I come to realize that the blame for failed relationships was not entirely someone else's. I've played the victim my entire life, and for most people, dealing with that gets old real quick. It may have kept me safe emotionally, but it left me empty and unhappy.

I'm now in a beautiful relationship that came about through a slow growing process in which we proved ourselves to each other. In a way, my flaws and faults and failures have been a twisted sort of blessing. My better half is patient and caring, and I hate when I hurt him. And I do hurt him. I hurt him because it's what I know. I've always done that. And the sad thing is I understand that now, and I know why, and I still slip continually into that trend. Why? Because I tune out myself and react on instinct. I fight potential pain by inflicting pain of my own. My pain isn't physical, it's emotional. My hunny knows this about me. He accepts this part of me, but also calls me on my bullshit, and because he gives himself to me in such a way as no one else has, allowing me to be myself but also forcing me to face up to my issues, I find myself fighting my trends. I catch myself, I stop myself, but I still sometimes slip, and probably always will. We both know this, we both accept this, but it also makes me more determined to try my hardest to control that reflex. He knows my weaknesses, my pain, and yet, he doesn't exploit these, but respects them.

Child abuse is not a cartoon. Child abuse is not fun. Child abuse begets more abuse. Child abuse is a serious matter and should not be taken lightly. Posting a cartoon is not a way of dealing with it, it is a way of easing the conscience for not following what others are doing.

To those of you on facebook who changed your images to cartoons you loved as a kid, I changed mine to one that was ruined as a kid. I loved that cartoon. It was the thing I looked forward to most when I came home from school. My cousin was a victim. She made me a victim as well. She not only stole my innocence, but also some of the best things in my life. But it wasn't just me who suffered. I lived the abuse in silence along with two other young girls. So, tell me again, how does changing an avatar to something fun make things better for those who deal with pain day after day?

It isn't my intention to bash on people for having fun. But really, if you want to have fun with cartoons and memories, just have fun with cartoons and memories. If you want to fight to save the life and sanity of an innocent child, then get out there and do something about it. Sometimes all it takes is knowing someone is watching...

Be that someone.

Popping the Question of Popcorn

2010-09-05T04:03:00.000-07:00

Kernels of Wisdom from David Dunwoody

OMG! It’s another Sudsy Sunday already! Unfortunately, I’ve been a busy, busy lady and am creatively challenged at this point in time. So…I’ll offer up a bit of boring…oh who am I kidding. I’m boring, my guests are not. And today I have a guest!!!

I’d like to introduce you all to Mr. David Dunwoody. David is the author of such works as Dark Entities, Empire, and Unbound and other Tales.

So, David, I know this is one of those silly questions everyone asks, but…

What is your favorite Dunwoody story, and why?

DD: My upcoming novel The Harvest Cycle – author Ben Rogers called it the “bastard child of Lovecraft and Asimov,” and I can’t think of any better way to describe it - is my favorite story so far. But it’s not out yet, so I would have to instead go with my most personal work to date, the novel Unbound from Unbound & Other Tales. The beginning and completion dates for that particular story serve to bookend a really dark period in my life, and I think it reflects my sense of lost identity and chaos from that time.

Very nice. And how can we get our grubby mitts on it?

DD: It’s from Library of Horror Press, and can be snapped up at ye olde Amazon shoppe in both print and Kindle editions. It should be on Smashwords in the not-too-distant future.

*To make it easy on you, dear reader, clicking the cover image to this and the others opens ye olde buy link, in a new window.

As far as writing goes, you’ve been in the public eye since 2004. Were you writing before then? What prompted you to toss your stories out to the masses?

DD: I’ve been writing as long as I can remember, and I think 2004 was when I realized that hoarding all of my words and sitting on them wasn’t going to yield anything. I had gotten myself out there a bit as a staffer for The Hacker’s Source magazine, and it was Hacker’s publisher, Eve Blaack, who pointed me to a new market called Permuted Press. When I made my first sale there, and when I began to get a sense of how huge and how very accessible the small-press community is, I think it woke me up.

I have to say that sounds like a rather wonderful wake-up call. But enough of those sorts of questions.

Hmmm, I said to myself. Are you ready for something a little different?

DD: I love it! Bring it on! *Puffs out chest while cringing on the inside*

I’m going to throw out a word here, and…yeah I know, this isn’t an interview question, but hey, creative juices are just as fun, right? Anyway…I want you to run with it. You can tell a story, share something that happened to you that involves the word, toss out a limerick, or…well…you get the message.

So…are you game? Yes?

Mwahahaha. *rubs hands together maniacally*

Ready?

The word is…

Popcorn.

Yes, yes… I KNOW you are a horror writer. What did you want me to do, give you an easy word like zombie, or massacre? *shakes head* Not my style, sorry. *evil grin*

The floor is yours. Take it away, Dave!

DD: The very first thing that “pops” into my head: if you’ve ever worked at a movie theater, or know someone who has, then you’re likely familiar with the garbage bags of unsold popcorn that are often spirited away by employees at closing time. God, I love stale movie theater popcorn, the kind that barely has any crunch left because it’s so infused with fake butter. But then – now, I mean – I think about fingernails. I don’t know why. Loose fingernails, whole ones, falling into a popcorn maker, being suffused with oil and salt and taking on the texture of kernel-skin. Being munched on, rendered and tugged absently from between the braces of a teenage usher.

I’m very much into the textures of foods. The spongy staleness of old popcorn is oddly appealing to me. I suppose it might be like a soggy fingernail, or some other discarded tissue that has somehow found its way into matinee leftovers. And really, might one taste all that distinct from the other, when soaked through with all that artery-clogging goodness?

I suppose there’s also the question of how the fingernails, or retinas, or whatever ended up there. But that doesn’t concern me. I don’t ask what that popcorn is really made of, and if I find myself chewing on a buttered earlobe, and liking it, I’m not going to pursue that one either.

After all, why spoil the chances of finding another?

Not sure why my mind immediately goes from adolescent nostalgia to the worst kind of nail-biting. Them icky thoughts could become the punch-line to a short story, though (or, knowing me, the start of one).

*cringes* Thanks a lot. Now I’ll never be able to eat theater popcorn again…at least without chewing my nails. Nope. Not again. Nevermore…

And speaking of nevermore, I noticed via my Facebook feed, that you have a story titled “Nevermore” available for preorder with Belfire press. A dead man watching his own body walk around? Okay, so my curiosity is piqued. Can you tell us about the story and how we can purchase it? *bounces in seat*

DD: “Nevermore” is a novella available for pre-order at belfirepress.com, and is paired with a novella by one of my favorite zombie authors, Kim Paffenroth (Kim’s novella is entitled “Orpheus and the Pearl”). My story concerns a man who dies, departing from his body and observing it as a ghost – only to see it rise and walk. He has to learn how to get about as a spirit in order to track his zombified shell and figure out just what happened to cause the whole mess.

Ghost vs. zombie self. *shakes head* I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, well, in real life. In fiction it sounds like a must read!

Alright, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls (at heart because my blog says OVER 18!) go forth and back order, pre order, beg, borrow, or steal (okay, so maybe not steal…) one of David’s books. I’m sure he’d appreciate it, and if he can do something like THAT with something as little as popcorn, imagine what he can do without such silly limits…

David can be found at these places:

Find all things Dunwoody at his Website.

Bumble around his Blog.

Friend him on Facebook.

Become a Dunwoody Twitter twit.

Make his MySpace your space.

What was that Dave? Snacks? Uh…*passes the popcorn* It’s all yours. And…so is the floor.

DD: That makes me think about the sort of things you might find on the dark, sticky floor of a movie theater – oh, you say we’re done? Okay, well, can I take the popcorn with me? Sweet.

All right, readers. You got questions, Dave’s got answers. Bring it on!

Nicole Zoltack: It's time for a Change

2010-08-23T13:23:00.000-07:00

Freshening up with Nicole Zoltack

Fantasy romance author Nicole Zoltack, author of such books as Woman of Honor, and Knight of Glory, took my challenge of turning an ordinary phrase into something creative. Ms. Zoltack recently had a baby, so it was only fitting that I chose “diaper rash” as her topic. Her poem brings back my own experiences as a mother. My heart breaks for the poor babies who go through this…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Diaper Rash

Red bumps
Sore bottom
Wails
Cries
Screams
Flailing arms
Kicking legs
Cold wipes
Ointment
Powder everywhere
Diaper changed
Hugs
Kisses
Crying stops
Until the next diaper changing

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To learn more about Nicole and stay updated on current and upcoming releases, you can visit her website, her blog, her personal facebook page or her facebook fan page, or follow her on twitter.

You can also purchase her stories for Kindle, the Nook, Sony ereader, or you can go direct to Desert Breeze Publishing for her Kingdom of Arnhem stories.

Thank you, Nicole, for sharing your creativity with us!

Nearest Gas Station: Five Miles

2010-08-16T10:51:00.000-07:00

Most people, at one time or another, have looked down at their gas gauge and thought, "Empty? Pshaw, my car will make it there and back easy!"

Two miles down the road: Splutter, splutter, cough, die. And you bang your head on the steering wheel and yell at the stupid thing for letting you down.

The worst part? You made it pretty much halfway. So, no matter which direction you go, you have the same distance to walk. Of course, the lay of the land might influence your decision. Me? I have an uphill climb both ways, and either way will work great, IF...but we'll come to that in a bit.

My schedule right now is pretty much full. There are days I won't get to see my family hardly at all. There are days that I will be doing nothing but homework. There are days...but if I can find one in my pile of to do lists, I probably won't recognize it.

Don't get me wrong, I love all the things going on. I have a great job, it fits nicely into my schedule. I have classes two days a week, mostly morning and afternoon classes, but once a week I have one in the evening, which leaves just enough time to get the boys going on their homework. Monday night is designated TV night with the hunny. Shoot, every couple needs a night to just relax with each other. That's Monday for us.

There are school events, and writing activities, and editing duties, and proofing obligations, and...well...I'm sure you all have busy lives too.

I can reach the dreams I've had for decades if I follow this path of school, work, and maintaining a good home life. That being said, something has to give.

And that something is an extra, a thing which may never make me, but sure has the potential to break me.

When I started the interviews, there were a few people out there doing them, sure. But since I moved in June, I've noticed interviews and guest blogs all over. And, sorry folks I'm guilty as charged, I just don't see them being effective anymore. I get notification of one of these and think, "Oh, God... not ANOTHER one." And promptly do something that ranks of higher importance on my to do list. Like READ an actual book.

Yes, I even have to pencil in time to read. So, when I say that I don't feel right doing interviews with generic questions and I just don't have the time to come up with creative ones, it pains me to no end. I've sent out several inquiries as to whether a few of those I have missed would like to help me start something new, and creative, and different enough that it just might grab readers instead of, heaven forbid, garnering the same response that I tend to have *flinch* when I see the words "interview" and "guest blog". I'm sick of reading about writing, about an author's schedule, about the same old stuff, stuff I experience myself. So, I'm hoping *crosses fingers* that maybe someone will be willing to try my newest idea. I'll still put 100% into the formatting, but I won't be required to do the hours of research I devoted to learning about my guests and coming up with original content. *whew*

Either way, we shall see how this goes. If it doesn't, no biggie. I just want to have fun with these blogs. I have too many serious responsibilities to fill ALL my projects with tons of work. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I am happy IN REAL LIFE. I see my dreams becoming reality, have a family I'm happy with, including those I inherited in my 1,900 mile move across country, and I feel good about my prospects for the future. I really want to keep promoting others, because it's the least I can do for fellow artists, but again, it all hinges on time and the willingness of my guests to work with my ideas.

Whether this blog falls by the wayside, or not, don't worry. I still love you guys!

Soaking up Sun with a Mermaid....

2010-07-04T06:19:00.000-07:00

Tips on Napping and Networking by
Courtney Breazile

Today's guest is the lovely escape artist Courtney Breazile. Courtney's motto is “Read to Escape”. An avid reader, Courtney brings real-life personality to her fiction by sharing joy similar to what she has known in life with her own readers. She hosts Total-E-Talk Radio, a blog talk radio show, once a month, contributes regularly at two blogs, and has authored the Immortal Council series (Vampires, werewolves, and fine mix of the two), and several other stories ranging in size from short to novel length. Courtney is also a mother and wife, and enjoys traveling and experiencing life from which she gathers inspiration to weave more fantastic tales.

Welcome, Courtney!

Courtney, many of the authors and other talent I've talked to are parents. You have quite a lot on your plate in addition to the wonderful handful of wife and mother. Is there a secret to juggling the blogging, maintaining a website, writing, and hosting a blog talk radio show?

Courtney: If there is I haven't found it yet...I do my best to balance everything but something always gets put aside for the moment to get something else done. I am lucky that my family is so understanding of when I have no choice but to ignore them and be on the computer. Of course it took a while to get to a point of agreement on that one. My kids are my life but even that I have to take a break from now and again, just to stay sane and be productive. I am never not working it seems, but that is okay, I enjoy it.

To live a dream is to dream of more time. I think many of today's readers are probably nodding in agreement with your statements right now.

I've had the opportunity to listen to your radio show a time or two *wink*. It sounds like you put a lot of time and effort into it. Now, this is a monthly show. What is involved in setting it up, getting it ready, and taking it live. And how long does this take you on average?

Courtney: It's not usually a long process to get ready for it, especially if I am only interviewing one author. I enjoy the show so it feels like a fun hobby I get to do once a month. Setting up the interviews are sometimes the hardest part. I interview authors who live all over the world, so time zones are a hassle and work schedules. It's worth it though, for the fun and free advertising of myself of course.

Mutual advertising, and that personal touch are definitely rewarding. Getting to know a little about the person/people behind the artistic ventures is one of my favorite things about promotion. Of course, having callers for the audio shows, and comments from readers on blog posts help encourage continued fun. :D

You also post blogs by “your characters” and contribute to another blog that celebrates the relationships withing stories. Do you regularly contribute to these, and if so, how do you stay on top of the schedule?

Courtney: My character, Zyra, blogs every Monday at NaughtyLittleVamp and that one is easy to remember because it is every week. I had more trouble remembering to blog at The Many Shades blog, which unfortunately is no longer open. I also blog every once in a while at HappilyEverAfterAuthors but not regularly and sometimes I do forget that I scheduled myself for that. If I wasn't a procrastinator it would be easier, but I have a hard time not being that. I work well under pressure I have decided. I also have a personal blog that I mostly just use for running contests, there is one going this month to celebrate the release of Wet Glamour.

Ladies and gentlemen--or is it Elves and Merfolk?--be sure to hop on over to Courtney Breazile's blog to enter her contest once you finish here!

That sounds like quite a bit of juggling. Can you tell us a little about your blogging experience and what exactly you blog about?

Courtney: At the Naughty Little Vamp blog I blog about Zyra's life as a vampire mated to a werewolf, her story is Blood Visions and the first in the Immortal Council series. Every once in a while one of the other characters steps in and blogs but it's usually her. The other blogs are about whatever I feel like at the time. Sometimes it's about my personal life, sometimes it's about my writing.

In other words, never a dull moment. *grin*

Besides these things, you do the author thing as well. You recently had a book come out called “Wet Glamour” through exstasybooks.com. Can you give us a little taste of the story and tell us where we can pick up a copy?

Courtney: I would love to share a bit about Wet Glamour. It is the third in my series, The Immortal Council. This series features many species of immortals but this book focuses on a mermaid and an elf.

Ooh! Sounds intriguing.

Courtney graciously provided a little sampling of the story for our reading pleasure.

Excerpt:

Rina stood staring at the door, assessing her feelings. Lucas was on the other side of that door, she could feel it, but did she want to sing? No, I don’t. The thought fortified her and she lifted her hand to knock, but the door swung open before her hand descended. Lucas stood there, a glamour shimmering around him very similar to the one he had been using when she had seen him outside the shop—a buffed up beach boy with tanned skin and bulging muscles. In reality, he was tall and lean with shimmering pale skin. He wore a pair of low-slung jeans and no shirt, revealing a delicious amount of hairless skin and two enticing brown nipples. His long white hair was braided down his back, leaving his pointed ears to stand out considerably.

An unbidden memory of nipping and licking those lovely points popped into her mind. She quickly tamped down on the titillating memory and moved her gaze to his mouth. His lips showed the slightest hint of uplifting at the corners, a major show of emotion for any elf. The annoyance of that thought gave her the strength to look into his eyes, big mistake. She almost lost herself in the swirling brown pools. Thankfully Rive chose then to gently kick her foot. Rina moved her gaze down to his slightly pointed chin, much safer.

“I’m here. Are you going to make me stand in the hall or what?” Rina was proud of her strong confidant voice in spite of her whirring emotions. She could feel them trying to assimilate, but they kept getting scrambled, blocked both by Acquanetta’s persuasion and her own determination.

“Of course, won’t you come in?” Lucas stepped back so all three could enter his room, “I had hoped to speak with you in private.”

“Right, like that was going to happen,” Rive said as she passed into the room.

“I don’t keep things from my mersisters,” Rina said. Then just because it felt good to point out, she added,

“My mersisters care only about what makes me happy, and who. So I don’t need to keep secrets.”

“Really, so I guess that means Brook knows you are here and approves?”

Rina bristled at the comment and she saw his blank face change slightly with satisfaction. “I’m here, what did you need to say to me that was so important it couldn’t be relayed through one of my mersisters?” Rina watched his face carefully, searching for the slightest change in his expression to indicate his thoughts and feelings. Nothing. His was a frustrating race and time had changed nothing. How was she supposed to enjoy showing him she didn’t love him anymore if he didn’t express his misery over the fact, or at least surprise?

Lucas had dropped his glamour once the door was shut, no use hiding in here. So now there was nothing to get in the way of her appreciative, hungry perusal of his body. Damn, I have to keep my thoughts straight. But it was harder than she thought it would be. She wasn’t feeling love for him, but still felt attracted to him. She just hoped she didn’t have easy lay written across her expressive face. If the situation weren’t so complicated, she would be dragging him to that bed right now, tearing his clothes off with her teeth and licking every inch of his delicious body.

Rina bit her lip to keep the groan of desire from escaping. She could do nothing for the wetness she felt between her thighs. Lucas’s eyes widened and she knew he was smelling her arousal. Damn his immortal senses. One thing she could count on, she hoped, was he had always been a gentleman. He would never embarrass her by bringing up her obvious desire for him.

Nice! She better hope he's a gentleman this time. And as readers, we can either hope also...or invest in the story. Mwahahaha!

As an author with a motto such as “Read to Escape,” I have to ask...

Where is your favorite place to escape? *grin* Feel free to be creative. *wink*

Courtney: The beach is my favorite place to escape, especially when it's hot and I have a good book with me. At home I always feel like I must be doing something productive, but at the beach I can really relax and just be in the present.

Waves, sand, and sun...oh yeah. I can see how that would rank right there at the top.

Courtney, I thank you again for joining me today. Before we say goodbye, is there anything you would like to add that I may have neglected to bring up in this interview?

Courtney: I can't think of anything, thank you for interviewing me.

You're very welcome! I wish you much luck and success with your newest release, and all others to come.

Courtney can be found at these places:

At her Website.

At her personal blog.

Check out her characters at Naughty Little Vamp.

Find out about Courtney's HappilyEverAfter.

Become a Fan on Facebook.

Follow her on Twitter.

Alright, boys and girls, grab your beach towels and sunscreen, and come play with us. Questions and comments always add to the fun! And if you take nothing else away from this interview today, never forget to...

Read to Escape!

Sharing Belly Laughs about the School of Hard Knocks

2010-06-20T07:45:00.000-07:00

Comparing Notes on Life, Laughs, and Parenthood

Welcome Visitor! This week, here at “The Smudge,” I have something a little different for you. Today, I have the honor of chatting with a very memorable person from my past. Secrets will be revealed, life will be celebrated, and you are invited to participate. Allow me first to share a little about today's guest.

Charity Smith is a best selling...uh...er...

Oh who am I kidding. This woman is so much more than just a numbers game. Art is not always about what you have to show for the things you create, but the heart you put into living. And this woman has a lot of heart.

Charity and I grew up together in a small town. We went to the same schools for as far back as I can remember, and she is one of the few with whom I had actual conversations in my younger years. I was Little Miss Quiet out to save the world, one religious convert at a time. Charity was from a completely different religious world all together, out to save me. We had wonderful conversations, and as much as my mind can remember from way back when, we shared a mutual respect as well. And as crazy as things may have been for both of us, it is really nice to reconnect, and see the similarities and differences of the paths that we have taken in life.

Welcome to my little piece of Smudged Sanity, Charity.

Charity: Why, thank you. Mi smudge es su smudge. And I'm still ready to try and convert you any time. LOL

LOL I wouldn't have it any other way. *grin*

So, it's been many years since High School (three, right? *wink*) and it's been interesting to reconnect. You're divorced, I'm divorced, we both have kids. I've followed my dream of writing (finally) and you... well...

What have you been up to? I saw your FB update that you passed “Governement Accounting”. (No, folks, that's not a typo. That is spelled snoopy dance style. Mwahahaha!) What does this mean for your future?

Charity: I have followed the dream of finding a dream. I started out wanting to be an X-ray tech, but I came to the startling realization that I cannot work in the dark. I mean that literally. I fall asleep. And virtually every imaging department in the developed world is populated by vampires, in the sense of needing light. Even their office space is dark! So I switched to accounting. I'm almost there. By the end of the summer I will have a Bachelor's in Business Administration, CPA track. Hopefully in a year or two I'll be ready to take the CPA exams. You know, I sucked at math. I was good until we hit fractions in the 4th or 5th grade and then it was all downhill. Stunningly, when I went back to school I found that having a teacher who loves his subject AND can teach it was the secret combination to understanding math. Who knew?

From vampire, to mathematician... quite the combination there, Charity. LOL

That isn't the only serious thing in your life. Sometimes the most beautiful things are created with differences that bring challenges in a world designed for the average person, but I think those flaws make such beauty unique.

Just a few short years ago, my son was diagnosed with heart problems, and that is the way I feel about him. I've had to learn and adapt, and so has he. But, we are happy, and my boys and I have all grown from this. I know you have a daughter with autism. I'm sure that news was as unexpected as mine. I know there are varying degrees of this, but aside from that I don't know much about it.

Can you give a brief overview of autism?

Charity: Autism is essentially a developmental disorder spectrum. Mental, emotional, physical and social development is all delayed. The more severe the case, the more delayed the development. They don't know what causes it, and I personally don't buy into the whole immunizations theory.

How has it has made a difference in your life?

Charity: My daughter has Asperger's Syndrome, which on the spectrum in incredibly mild. As with most issues, the earlier it's diagnosed, the better. I had a friend who informally diagnosed her (her son has Asperger's so she was in prime spotting position) when she was a little over a year old, though she wasn't formally diagnosed until she was almost five. So I got her into a birth to three center when she was 18 months, and she's been in one form or another of therapy/school/assistance since that time. I am happy to report that due to the amazing efforts of an enormous team of people, she was totally mainstreamed by the 4th grade and is doing excellently. But she's always going to have a harder time grasping abstracts and her social skills may always be a tad, um, abrupt. The downside of raising a kid with autism is the sheer volume of repetition that is required to teach them anything, particularly anything abstract. On the upside, however, once it's in it's as solid as bedrock.

Wow. This isn't the first time I've heard of Asperger's. It definitely takes a strong person with a lot of patience to give those diagnosed what they need. Your daughter got lucky.

Despite the unexpected twists and turns in the road, I still see the trademark Charity humor and positive outlook on life where it matters. You toss out tidbits on two blogs every now and again that are quite amusing.

Is there a secret to maintaining that upbeat and positive attitude? And do you have any other creative outlets besides your two blogs?

Charity: Happiness is a choice, just like any other emotion. I have a number of people in my life who have taught me that. Every day, every moment sometimes, you decide how you're going to view the world and yourself in it. Why choose to be miserable? What does that serve? It just adds misery to the world and makes you part of the problem. A guiding principle in my life boils down to a simple question: Will this choice add light to the world or remove it? And then I try to choose accordingly.

That is a fantastic attitude!

Charity: I actually don't consider myself to be especially creative in the sense that you are Heather. I can't create a story, or a world in color and form. I don't sculpt or draw anything particularly inspiring. But while I may not be a story maker, I am a story teller. I'm thinking of starting a secondary career as a voice-over artist. My kids and I took a class on it a the local community college a couple years ago and it was a total blast!

Hmm...I'll have to remember that if I ever need to make use of that. :P And I might, you know... Mwahahaha!

Charity: As for my creative outlets, my blogs are more or less it. I think of myself less as creative and more a mental flasher, exposing all and sundry to my apparently distinctive way of viewing the world. Well, the Oddball one does that for the quirk factor, but King of the Forest is my place to vent on political issues.

I may not always agree with your views, but you always present them so...creatively...that I can't help but enjoy them. ;)

Ooh, hey! Remember pink slips? Do you think the school was preparing us for the bad economy?

Charity: Well, it was their job to prepare us for SOMETHING. It would be nice if we could say they succeeded on at least ONE count.

HA! Point taken.

For you non-school friends, “pink slips” were what we got for being bad. It was the hall monitor version of getting your name on the board. At the end of a designated time frame, anyone who had not received one of these happy little pink papers of doom got some sort of treat. I remember my first, and only, pink slip. I'd been in trouble exactly once before...in the first grade...for whispering to myself, of all things. Yes, the girl who never said a word got in trouble for talking. LOL Anyway... my pink slip was a result of being bumped by others running in the hallway and doing that half-step jog to keep from falling. The boy who bumped me was one I had a silly kid crush on. Needless to say, while most of the school sat down in the cafeteria enjoying ice cream (root beer floats, if I remember correctly), I sat in the “bad kid” classroom, with my face buried in my sleeve, and cried quietly at my desk and thought about how much I hated the boy and how stupid I was to ever think he was anything but a doodyhead.

Do you remember your first pink slip, Charity? Or did you ever get one? If not, what is one of your biggest school day memories?

Charity: I got one. In three stinkin' years I got one! And it was a huge trauma for me. I was so ASHAMED! And MAD to be missing the ice cream. I believe we are having a mirror moment here, darling girl. LOL Except I don't remember why.....I think I may have been talking in class, but.... honestly, I can't remember. I have an excellent facility for blocking memories of my own stupidity. I can smell your jealousy!

*Spritzes perfume* Yeah? Well...*splutter splutter*

Ooh. I also remember little miss acrobat losing her balance on the monkey bars and ending up in a cast for a while. Sixth grade, I think it was? (Time flies, huh? *grin*) I remember watching you fall. That was my first slow motion experience. I bet it all happened even slower for you. All stop-actionish and stuff. *wink*

Charity: It totally was! I think I may have actually caused damage to Mr. Pease's hearing I howled so loudly as he carried me down that empty LONG, sixth grade hallway. (*cringes*) And you wanna know the worst part about that? I didn't hold my foot in the right position for casting, so I wound up walking kind of like I was in low heels for six weeks. Only it was just the one foot, so....step, up, step, up,......like a zombie hooker.....(*sigh*) Good times.

LOL @ Zombie hooker!

Come to think of it, I do remember being jealous of the crutches... I think we all wanted a pair.

I could sit here all day and mull over childhood memories , but I'm sure we're boring the masses (all three of my readers HA!) so we should probably stop while we're ahead. :P

I appreciate you strolling down memory lane with me, and catching up on current events as well. It's always nice to see how far we've come since those innocent days, and to know how much of an impact it's made on our own parenting skills.

Well, we've come to that time again. The parting wisdom bit. Is there anything you'd like to add that we haven't discussed? Tidbits, advice, promotion, a joke or two, or perhaps just a wisp of random snark to liven up our day?

Charity: Let your light so shine before the world.......and always have clean underpants. Just sayin'.

*shakes head and throws a load in the wash*

Thank you again, Charity. I wish you well on your journey through life, and hope that we can keep in touch for many long years to come.

Charity can be found at her blogs:

Treasures of an Oddball Mind.

If I were King of the Forest.

So, dear reader...what memories do YOU hold dear? Are there any crazy school day stories that you'd like to share? It's always fun to reminisce about times long ago that seem funny as an afterthought in comparison to what we go through as adults. I'd love to hear yours.

Welcome to the playground. Recess is now in session!

Saucy Storytelling with Superwoman Shirin Dubbin

2010-06-06T07:22:00.000-07:00

Smack Down She-Ra Showdown

*Art shown in covers with the exception of her own designed by Shirin.*
*All images link to respective buy pages (or other fun surprises)*

Shirin Dubbin aka Sherin Nicole is here at “The Smudge” with me today. A woman who loves comics, sci-fi, fantasy, manga, anime, martial arts films, and international cinema; Shirin grew up the girl who wanted to be the butt-kicking chick. The battle between good and evil plays a big role in her life and her art. Sherin Nicole—the orange, ass-kicking geek—writes graphic novels, screenplays, stage plays, TV pitches, and does graphic design. Shirin Dubbin writes Urban Fantasy with a romantic edge.

One woman, two very ambitious alter egos...

Welcome, Shirin!

Shirin: Thank you for that amazing introduction. The walk-on music and spotlight made me feel like a star. (Ooh and thank you for the fine young gentleman in my dressing room. You really know how to make a woman feel satiated-- um, I mean welcome.)

*grin* I aim to please. *wink*

That's quite a list of interests you have. I know you have one story published (which we will talk about later in the interview), but you do other things as well. Let's talk about Sherin Nicole, the more visual side of you, first.

When did you take your first step into that world, and what made you decide to go public with your art?

Shirin: I don't know when my love of art began but I'm guessing in utero. I've never been able to find the place where art and I become two separate entities. I do remember winning a contest for drawing my version of the Easter Bunny when I was seven or eight. The prize was five solid pounds of chocolate wabbit [sic]. I gnawed on that thing for months. My mom finally threw it out when it turned pale and chalky. *giggle*

I think my rabid comics fanaticism is a natural convergence of my loves of storytelling and visual arts.

Smart mom. LOL. I'd give another chocolate "wabbit" for a peek at that Easter Bunny. But, since I don't have a chocolate "wabbit" to give away...

Can you give us a brief overview of some of the things you have done as Sherin Nicole, and where can we find these?

Shirin: I've designed a lot of stuff—from logos to products to websites to...wow. I'll include some links to my book covers since those work with both my personas:

In Plain View by J. Wachowski.

The Global Village (Tell Tales Volume 4).

Vibrating With Silence by Deanna Nikaido.

When a Woman Takes an Axe to a Wall by Allegra Bennett

Very nice! And quite the variety, too.

Shirin: Oh and here's a book trailer I did with Monique Woods for Mike Carey's Felix Castor Novels.

Ooh. I'm not all that keen on trailers (little know fact about me folks HA!) but I liked that one. It wasn't choppy, flowed nicely, and the narrative was a nice touch. Ms. Picky is impressed!

Shirin: *curtsy*

Hmmm, speaking of trailers...well, not really, but trailers mean books and books mean... Oh, who am I kidding? Let's get into the wordy portion of this interview! *rubs hands together in glee* Mmmm, words...

You do a bit of writing of your own under the name Shirin Dubbin. Have you been writing as long as you have been doing the more visual arts, or is this a more recent endeavor?

Shirin: You know, I recently wrote a post about this on my web site too. I've always fancied myself a kind of back pocket griot, or storyteller, but I only dabbled until about four years ago. That's when I began to write in earnest.

In other words, folks, hop on over to Shirin's website when you get done here, and browse all the fun things she has to offer. I know I will!

Shirin: Oops that did sound like a plug for my site, didn't it? *blush* Sorry.

HA! No worries, I was going to do a shameless plug for it anyway. You just beat me to it! *wink*

I mentioned one published story, “Keeper of the Way.” Is this your only story in print, or are there others out there I am not aware of?

Shirin: Keeper is the only one in print (eBook) at the moment. My second novella, "Dreams' Dark Kiss," will release from Carina Press in August or September of this year. I'm excited because Dreams' is as dark and action-packed as Keeper is light and fun-filled—thank goodness I've been told they're both funny. I'm working on a third novella, a couple of TV series pitches and am about to start shopping my original graphic novel, Laz Low. I've also been writing notes for and plotting two full length novels. Oh and I have a short Halloween story in an Anthology edited by Anne Frasier (release TBA). I really like that story so can't wait for everyone to read it.

They all sound fantastic! I can't speak for everyone, but I base every story on its own merit, and I like both dark and action packed, and light and fun filled. And funny is always a bonus!

Got any nibbles for "Dreams' Dark Kiss"? I'd like to know more.

Shirin: Here's the blurb for "Dreams' Dark Kiss":

They’ll come for her tonight…

The ankou. A legion of nightmares, fugitive from the Dreaming, have set their sights on Ciaran Letang. She is the key to their darkest purpose. But Ciaran has been used before, and she won’t let it happen again.

Keoni Maka patrols the dreamscape, keeping humankind safe. When he senses Ciaran’s distress, he offers to fight by her side—forever. She accepts, but she has vowed not to let a man invade her heart, not even this man.

Together they must use their powers to stop the ankou pack leaders before they take dominion over the waking world. But will Keoni’s own dream of saving tainted souls lead them right into a trap?

Ooh! *perk* That sounds like a fun read! August or September, huh? *shakes off curiosity*

I say, for now anyway, let's just focus on what you have out...*grin*

Can you give us a sneak peek into “Keeper of the Way,” a brief overview and perhaps a bit of a teaser to wet our whistles?

Shirin: Ah ha! The logline: Nia'Mora's caught between a harbinger and a jerk-face, both of them yummy. Too bad she's gotta die.

And here's an excerpt:

Nia'Mora looked into those aberrant, calico eyes and saw…a hidden weakness that evolved into panic then loathing. He reached for her, struggling through the invisible force field that suddenly enveloped her. Clearly the effort pained him but he did not relent. She watched from the windows of her eyes, unable to move. Wynn's fingers inched closer. Straining, he caught the edge of her sunglasses and wrenched them off her face.
The momentarily stupefied Twixies sprang into action as if a spell had been broken. They tumbled through the air, grabbing at the sunglasses with their feet, grasping them between nimble toes.

Nia'Mora wanted to cover her eyes. To run. But she remained locked in place, needing to feed on the energy Zan Wynn possessed. Needing more and more of his power, she sought to swallow it whole.

No, please. Not that. She looked down. Wynn crouched there, pretending to battle the Twixies to recover her sunglasses.

Look up, she begged herself. No, don't look up! Close your ey—

Too late.

* * *

The indignant shrieking of pixies drew Severin's attention. He turned without seeming to move at all. Nia'Mora was his first thought. His second was to keep her safe. He assessed the situation while in motion.

Zan Wynn fought to stave off dive-bomber attacks from the little yellow fairy, while the pink one floated away from him with Nia'Mora's sunglasses clutched in her feet. The stream of expletives the twin pixies launched at the elf turned the air blue. No, it wasn't the pixies, it was Nia'Mora herself. She stood as if frozen, her eyes unblinking. A blue-black and amethyst miasma wafted from her body, connecting to Wynn in misty tendrils. Her expression had stuck somewhere between ecstatic and horrified.

Without further thought, Severin caught Wynn on the side of the head with an outward sweeping arm. His huge palm knocked the slight elf head over heels, sending him sprawling to the amber floors. The Qilin [Severin] didn't even notice. He sought Nia'Mora's gaze, needing to lock minds with her to assure himself she was well. Mind to mind was the fastest, surest way. He didn't get that far…

Wait, what? Don't stop now, I have to know more! *blows a raspberry* There goes two more froofy coffees from my budget. *grumbles* Silly, obsessive reading habit...

Alright, busy lady, here's the $20 question (play money, of course, I'm a brokedy broke writer lady).

Does your art support itself, and you, or do you have to supplement your writing and design through other means?

Shirin: Aw man, you mention $20 and I immediately perk up; I play to win. ^_~

*whispers* It might not be $20 but I'll buy your book. HA! Deal?

Shirin: Deal! Thankyee kindly. Truth is, I design to support my writing habit. I'm a full time graphic artist with a small design firm called Chidori [sight + sound].

Hmmm. Let's go double or nothing. For $40 play money (and a book purchase LOL), how did you manage to get your foot in the door in so many facets, and what do you have to say to others who are interested in pursuing a variety of artistic fields?

Shirin: First, learn the craft and continue to learn, keep yourself updated on new techniques and software. Secondly, make people aware of your talents and the types of projects or work you'd like to do. Many of an artist's jobs come from word or mouth and recommendations. You have to get out there and run in the social and business circles of your chosen industry. Those are all the things I did and continue to do.

Definitely pearls of wisdom for aspiring artists and authors, as well as people of any field. *takes notes*

Last but not least, Is there anything I forgot to ask that you'd like to address? Any parting comments? Maybe a karate chop or two?

Shirin: You forgot to ask me about my death move. You've always gotta ask a lady about her death move. It helps to build her reputation and backs down all the wannabe challengers to the mantle. My move is the infamous No-Shadow-Sand-Palm-Whirlwind-of-Venom-Slap. Five minutes after I hit an opponent with that technique they say sorry, tell their mother they love her and disintegrate. Of course, there's no way to prove this because all the evidence... you know, disintegrated. *ha ha hah ha* The Po Po [read police] can't catch me!

What's your death move?

Darn it all! I knew I forgot something!

My death move is amazingly delicate, a decadent blend of sweet and sassy distraction that leaves a person vulnerable. First, I sheath one hand in a well padded glove. Then I bend slightly forward, heat infusing my cheeks as I pull out my secret weapon. I take a sharp knife, and with deft strokes, I anoint it in the sacred blend I have pulled from my modern kiln. I remove a small bit of ammo from amidst the batch, and quickly turn and say "Double-chocolate--cream-cheese-brownie--with-fudge-frosting?" After that, all that's left is to watch them melt in ecstasy. *grin* Yep. That's my death move. Mwahahaha!

Shirin: Oooh, she deals death by chocolate and is deft with erotic allusion. You are indeed a master! *bows*

BTW I can tell by your "mwahahaha" that you are a villain or at the very least an anti-hero. Care to be my nemesis? I'm always on the lookout for a good nemesis—self-improvement and all that.

Hmmm. Anti-hero in a real life graphic novel...? Sure, why not. *grin*

Thanks so much for joining me today, Shirin. I look forward to any and all updates on your progress!

Shirin can be found at these places:

Shirin's Website.

Keep up with her adventures at her Blog.
Get Twitterpated with the lady.
Friend her on Facebook.

View some video of Shirin's thoughts on the battle between good and evil.

Alright, readers, this interview is now yours. Are you hero or villain? And what do you have to say to today's superhero guest? Let the battle of good and evil begin!

Here a book, there a book, Here's Brett Williams take a look.

2010-05-23T01:49:00.000-07:00

Scoring with Brett
~When Family means Business~

*All images link to something fun, including practice scribbles from our honorable guest... Mwahahaha*

Brett Williams is a self-published author of several books. His novel, Family Business, now sits contentedly on my shelf, but has spent plenty of time in my hands, and rolling around in my head. Brett writes his own brand of story, one not all can stomach. He currently has an anthology of his short stories set to release sometime this year.

Welcome Brett. Want a cookie?

Brett: Yes, please!

*Heather passes a cookie*

Ignore the little squeals. Sgt. Snickerdoodle isn't happy that I'm retiring him from the ACA (Assorted Cookie Army). I'm afraid he's simply outlived his usefulness. *grin* Enjoy!

Now, Brett, my introductory question has nothing to do with writing, really. Well, maybe just a little.

In your very first book, “Zarc Benchar and the Energy Monster,” you did your own illustrations. Do you still rely on your own artistic ability for cover art and such, or do you leave such things to the professionals?

Brett: I must point out that my uncle Richie drew the spaceships for Zarc Benchar. Bonus points to anyone who recognizes the ships from Buck Rogers. I really wish I could draw or paint or create good covers on my own. I can't. I do come up with ideas for cover art and know what (I think) will work well. For example, the idea of Erika (from Family Business) in a cage along with some dogs was my idea. Christa St. Jean collaborated with me on what would work and how to arrange the cages to look good on the cover. She created the cover and added in all the details such as the crumpled newspaper which I love. Christa is amazing to work with. I hope to collaborate with her in the future.

For those curious about the Zarc Benchar story, which is NOT available for purchase, you can find out more by friending Brett on Facebook. Yes, the entire story is there. *grin* Illustrations and all.

As for the other artwork, I have to admit that Christa did a great job. The cover for Family Business is definitely eye catching.

Speaking of Family Business, though not your first book, this was my first experience with the Brett Williams brand of story. What prompted such a sadistic yet captivating adventure?

Brett: Unfortunately, pets are abused daily. In fact, the abuse of many animals takes place in order for pet lovers to "own" pets. When I wrote Family Business I owned a pet food and supply shop and was constantly reminded of this fact. Also, I was looking to write a hard-core horror novel. Having grown up in the backwoods of Missouri, the story came easily. The point was to put animal abuse, specifically dogs in puppy mills, into human terms. My goal was to have the novel entertain and enlighten. And despite what some people might think, not to gross folks out.

You definitely put a creative spin on things, and as twisted as the story line is, it hit home for me. I'm a lover of all things animal, and have seen first-hand the suffering that can be had at the hands of humans. Maybe that is why I was so drawn to Family Business.

Family Business is a self-published novel. There are people who look down on self-published authors, saying that “doing it yourself” means you must not be good enough for a “real” publisher. What are your thoughts on this?

Brett: No matter what a person does, there is always someone around to look down on them. Literary snobs might look down on genre writers or bestselling authors. Readers may dislike what the literary types may praise. I started self-publishing because it was a cheaper and more efficient way to get my stories to friends and family than a manuscript in a binder (avg cost about $10) that sometimes was never returned. Self-publishing also allowed me to send out stories for review. Writers know that friends and family don't always provide constructive criticism. Some of the best feedback that allowed me to grow as a writer came from reviews.

Self-publishing has allowed me to entertain readers, grow as a writer, make a couple bucks, gain a small following, and piss off anyone who looks down on self-publishing. Why wouldn't I want to self-publish?

I have to admit that I used to be one of those people who thought of self-publishing as beneath me. Having now read both professionally and self-published stories, I find that calling self-published books lesser in a blanket term is like saying all professional publishers publish high-quality books. This is not always the case. Sadly, I've read some pretty low-grade books put out by publishers, but at the same time, I've had the honor of reading some well written stories that were self-published. I've learned so much in my adventures into the writing world. In this case the lesson is, to twist an old phrase, "You can't judge a book by its publisher." And that isn't even going into the financial benefits of self-publishing...

Having read your stories and seen how far you've come on the rough road of writing, I'll vouch that you are a darn good story teller. And if I think so, there must be other people out there who think so.

Do you have any stories, books, or other items contracted with publishers that you haven’t done yourself, and if so, where can we find these?

Brett: The first story of mine published by someone else was a flash piece entitled "Cambion." It aired at Fear On Demand as a podcast. It is freely available. I suggest folks check it out. Also, a micro flash story titled "Through the Curtains" was published in The New Bedlam Project e-zine and will be released in print this summer in New Bedlam: Archives Vol. 1. I'm very excited about my foray into crime fiction with the short story "Back Pay." It's a super-intense story that single mothers should enjoy. It is freely available at Thuglit.com.

*grin* Yes, boys and girls, "Back Pay" is definitely a must read. Everyone should experience a Brett Williams story at least once. That's Thuglit.com. Click it. Read it. Now. I'll know if you don't. I'm watching you. Now go on. We'll be here when you get back.

*Heather hums Pop Goes the Weasel while she waits*

*Brett chomps another cookie* (There goes Corporal Chip)

Oh, look! They're back. Mwahahaha! What? Now you guys want more? Hmmm. Hey, Brett...

You’ve been tossing out teasers for a book called “Sex-Crazed Tales.” When and where can I get my grubby little mits on a copy? And for those who haven’t had the luxury of hearing about this, can you give us a little taste, a little nibble so to speak, of what this book is about?

Brett: Ah, "Sex-Crazed Tales" came about due to my frustration at subbing stories, and Family Business readers hungry for more. Basically, for the past year I've been writing a lot of short stories, and as we've discussed a few have been published. But one of the things I kept hearing was "tone down the sex and sub something else." Perhaps I am naive, but I read this as "good story, but we don't want to publish sex." I really don't think readers of a Brett Williams story mind the sex or innuendo. So, I'm tossing them all together and adding a few extra tidbits.

Awesome! Aside from the sex, what else will this book contain?

Brett: The table of contents will include "Cambion" for the first time in print. The greatly expanded "The Bone Yard," originally featured at BrettWilliamsFiction.com. And in addition will be a Family Business tie-in novella, cowboys, zombies, nympho maniacs, "Santa's helper," an homage to Charles Bukowski, and my first printed poem. There will be a little bit for everyone.

*happy dance* I can't wait to read the ones I haven't read yet!

Brett: I must point out, that unlike Family Business and other novels in the works, "Sex-Crazed Tales" is being put together by me, exclusively for Brett Williams fans/collectors. There will be one print run limited to 69 numbered/signed copies and six publisher copies. Anyone who bought a numbered copy of Family Business will get first crack at matching numbers. After that, pre-orders/copies will be sold at Horror Mall auction and through me via Paypal for family, friends, and fiends. In other words, stay on my good side, and follow me on Facebook or keep watch at BrettWilliamsFiction.com for updates.

Wait...Only 69 copies? ACK! Did you hear that folks? Yes? Now, don't rush off just yet. I have links posted at the end of this interview where you can keep track of all things Williams. Let's finish the interview before you all go off half-cocked fighting to get on his good side!

*shakes head* It's not like I only have two more questions to go or anything. Plus a chance to win a copy of Family Business!

Now that everyone is suffering from Sex-Crazed temptation...What kind of plans do you have for the future?

Brett: I've got a few novels started, including a sequel to Family Business. In the immediate future, I'd like to see more short stories get published as well as an erotic horror novel that is about a third complete. I plan to keep self-publishing, as well as submitting work to established publishing companies. Honestly, the lead-time at various publishing companies is so long (understandably so) that I plan to self-publish at least one book per year to keep readers aware of me while I struggle along like every other writer out there.

Writing is definitely a struggle. I wish you the best of luck and tons of success with yours!

It’s been great having you today, Brett. Is there anything you’d like to add before I open the comments to the public?

Brett: Thank you so much for having me, Heather. It has been a pleasure. You are doing a great service to struggling writers and avid readers with your efforts, and I must say, it is greatly appreciated. Thank you very, very much.

*smile* You're very welcome. I enjoy doing it! Thanks again, Brett.

Folks, if you are interested in learning more about this author, you can find him at these places:

Get lost in his Website.

Friend him on Facebook.

Follow him on Twitter.
Give him a go on Goodreads.

The interview is now officially over! Pass the popcorn and bring on the comments. Be sure to ask Brett a question, or leave a comment, for a chance to win a signed Brett Williams book.

Make sure to hit the subscribe button below the comments in order to be notified of the winner (or you can leave your email address in the comment if you so prefer). You may unsubscribe after the winning notification.

If you choose neither option, you, dear reader, are going to be SOL if you win, because we have no other way of getting in touch with you. And then your book is mine to do with as I please. Mwahahaha! I may be watching you, but I'm sure as heck not going to do everything for you. *ornery grin*

Now... Get your lazy fingers moving!

Bedlam and Belfire with Jodi Lee

2010-05-09T06:19:00.000-07:00

The Answer to Insomnia

*All links lead to their respective sites or buy links.*

My guest today is Ms. Jodi Lee. Jodi has been in the business as both writer and editor for nearly a decade. Beyond writing and editing, Jodi currently does graphic design work, as well as taking on the role of publisher and EiC for both Belfire Press and The New Bedlam Project.

Hi Jodi. And welcome to “The Smudge”!

Jodi: Hey Heather and miscellaneous readers!

For those who aren’t familiar with Ms. Jodi, she haunts a quaint little town called New Bedlam where many a writer has gone. But, the visits rarely go as planned. In fact, I can speak to this fact as I’ve visited the place myself.

My dear Jodi, can you tell those unfamiliar with the place a little about the New Bedlam Project?

Jodi: Where to start... the absolute beginning, or the more recent years... OK, well, in the fall of 2006, Louise Bohmer and I chatted a bit about writers and editors and insomnia. Actually it was more like a lot of chat, because both of us seemed to be up at the same time each night. Eventually the idea came around to what would happen if writers couldn't sleep, and couldn't write. Would their nightmares escape, wreaking havoc everywhere? Would they themselves, become the nightmare? I half-jokingly wondered aloud if anyone would be interested in an anthology about horror writers with writer's block and insomnia living in one little town... one I named New Bedlam in homage to my grandparents and my home town (that is explained further on the New Bedlam website!). I mulled that over in my head until it wasn't a joke anymore, and I took it to the company I was working with at the time. They loved the idea, and it snowballed from there.

Sounds like a sweet start. But I know for a fact that New Bedlam wasn’t around back then.

What happened to the New Bedlam dream between then and now?

Jodi: Things fell apart, as they often do in New Bedlam - it just wouldn't be Bedlam if it didn't - and the anthology, Courting Morpheus, was shelved after I left the company and took it with me. A little over a year later, the webzine began to take shape, partly because I'd lost hope that the anthology would ever be published and I didn't want those stories to just fade away, and partly because I just couldn't get my mind out of New Bedlam. I read through notes from past publications I was involved in, learned from mistakes made by previous employers, got advice and our first story from R. Scott McCoy, a writer/editor I've admired since he put out his first issue of Necrotic Tissue. I knew I wanted it to run on a blog platform, I knew I wanted to keep it within certain parameters and I knew I wanted it to be a paying market, even if it was only a token amount for the first year or so.

I think going the paying market route was a smart move. Some authors may do it “For The Love”, but there are many out there who would rather have a token payment than nothing at all.

How did all that go over when you took TNBP public?

Jodi: I was then and still am thrilled with the response we get. Every submission period, we read everything from poetry to flash fiction to longer fiction, all crossing genres from horror to science fiction to fantasy, even to romance in an upcoming issue. In each story, though, there is an embedded fear of something, a darkness, a shadow. Even in the comedy there is a monster lurking. Every new issue, I get an even bigger thrill, seeing the people that have become interested and step up to the plate.

Why is it, do you think, that there has been such a good response, and what does New Bedlam mean to you personally?

Jodi: The town is and always will be at the heart of my writing. I was raised there; three small towns in southern Manitoba that, when combined, form the basis of the streets I've mapped out for New Bedlam. I guess in a way I've brought life to my grandparents' nightmare - I've turned my hometown into New Bedlam. The fact that other writers have found inspiration and the same excitement through The New Bedlam Project is just amazing to me. I think maybe, we all have a bit of New Bedlam in us, or can see shadows on our streets bear striking similarities to those on New Bedlam's.

I’ve noticed that along with new visitors, there are oftentimes those who have submitted before that come back with another feature for The New Bedlam Project.

Does the town of New Bedlam really have that kind of pull on people?

Jodi: They all think they can leave once their three-month visit is up. They learn...

Uh…er…well…I guess I can safely admit I have gone and visited each new issue myself. Hey now! That doesn’t mean I’m addicted! I can leave any time I want to… In fact, watch me NOW subtly change the subject.

On top of that project comes the newly created Belfire Press.

Where did the name Befire Press originate?

Jodi: A Belfire is the bonfire lit in celebration of the Celtic god Bel, every year at Beltaine (May 1st). A fertility sabbat, Beltaine is when the goddess and god marry, consummate their union and conceive their child. In ancient Celtic times, cattle, carts of seed, couples, children would walk between two lit belfires, cleansing them and blessing them for the year ahead.

To me, the belfire has always indicated new beginnings, new life and new hope. At the time, the people originally involved in Belfire all needed a new start. I thought it fit us perfectly.

Can we get a little back story how this publishing company came into existence?

Jodi: Both Louise Bohmer and I found ourselves free and freelancing last summer, and over numerous chats we hashed out the 'what-if' scenarios that all led to 'what if we started our own company?' Eventually, after a lot of research, a lot of financial research seeking the seed money, and a long talk with the staff of The New Bedlam Project, we said, let's do it. We set everything to really get going for May 2010, our first project was going to be the long-awaited Courting Morpheus, as I had a feeling it wasn't going to see print where it was. Again, the theme seemed to be a new start.

And then Louise mentioned a client who had an amazing novel, totally not the stereotypical vampire thriller-turned-romance that has kind of flooded the market these days. She asked if I could take a look at it, and he said yes. After I'd read the draft, I talked to the author. I found out that he would soon be regaining his rights to it, and would be shopping it out...and the rest is history. Greg Hall's At The End of Church Street became our first novel, continuing the theme.

Since we now had not only Courting Morpheus in line, but At The End of Church Street as well, we pushed our announcement ahead six months, opening our website and hanging out our shingle as of October 31st last year.

Is Belfire Press geared toward a specific genre or genres? Is there a minimum and maximum word count? And how can an interested party go about becoming the next big Belfire name?

Jodi: We're pretty open to all genres, with the exception of erotica, bizarro and zombies. It's not that we don't advocate the publishing of these sub-genres, we're just very close with a few small press publishers that focus on those areas and I didn't want to step into their territories. However, in our next reading period we may look at a bizarro title or two, as our dear friends at Afterbirth Press have closed to submissions permanently (but are still selling their wonderful titles!!)

You also provide an editing service, and even artwork.

Can you tell us a little about these, such as where interested parties can find samples and/or information on obtaining your services?

Jodi: In between my Belfire and New Bedlam obligations, I sometimes manage to squeeze in some freelancing as well. I have a two-part portfolio online that includes my editing and design credits.

I use design as a way to relax between editing projects. I find it very calming to play with photoshop and combine numerous elements into a beautiful cover, or hand-code a web or blog theme.

Besides being on top of all these other projects, I know you do a bit of writing yourself. Are there any published Jodi Lee stories out there, and if so, where can we find them?

Jodi: Right now, there are several out there. Most recently, "Ring a Ring a Rosie" was published in the January issue of Necrotic Tissue, and "The Lion Roared" was printed in the last Monsters Next Door collection, titled Road Trip. Anthology-wise, 52 Stitches has my story "It Never Lasts Forever" and The Black Garden has "The Legless Ones." I also have a small part in the intro and outro stories for Courting Morpheus, which was Belfire's first release. They're all available on Amazon, or through the A-Store on my website.

*All the cover images in this post also link to the respective buy pages*

Releasing this month from Northern Frights Publishing is War of the Worlds: Frontlines, which has my story, "My Beautiful Boy" included in the table of contents. And in July, I have a flash piece in the Necrotic Tissue #11.

I've had some pieces accepted to several other anthologies (as listed on my website) but they've not been released as yet.

You sound like a very busy lady.

Is there a secret to juggling all these projects as a human, or are you really some mythical creature with a thousand arms and ten-thousand eyes? If the latter is true, can I borrow a few and have them surgically attached to myself?

Jodi: I could tell you, but then I'd have to... well, okay. Basically I have a very understanding family and circle of friends, for the most part. They know I take on too much at some points, and leave me be while I work through the stacks of submissions, piles of editing and hampers of clothes that need to be folded. Besides that, I've learned -through trial and error- that scheduling time for various projects through-out the day is crucial to maintaining a rhythm without becoming bored. If there's more than one project on the go -and there always is- they each get two hours attention per day, with a twenty minute break in between.

Occasionally my kids actually get in there and help out, keeping the house relatively free of non-caged vermin and wild dustbunnies. We're all terrified of the laundry monster in the bathroom, but he can be kept satiated by throwing a wet towel on him once a week.

Is there anything else you’d like to share that I haven’t mentioned above?

Jodi: I think you've covered it all, except maybe the kitchen sink. It's just a standard steel variety, kinda leaky sometimes. If someone wants to come and re-do the taps and caulking, that'd be awesome!

Unfortunately, it would cost me more to fly up there than it would to hire a plumber! But, Jodi, what I will do is thank you much for hanging out with me today!

Jodi: Thanks for having me, Heather!

Jodi can be found at these places:

At her Editing Website.

At her Graphic/Web Design Website.

At her Blog.

On Myspace.

On Facebook.

On Twitter.

Belfire Press.

New Bedlam.

All right, boos and ghouls, I open my haunt today to your queries, questions, and comments. Mwahahaha!

May!!!

2010-05-02T07:53:00.000-07:00

April Sharing...

Last month at "The Smudge", we were graced with the sexy-steamy presence of two erotic writers, Yvonne Nicolas, and Abby Wood. If you didn't get a chance to check out their interviews, simply click their names and the interviews will open new windows so you can read them at your leisure. Trust me, folks, these ladies and I had a lot of fun.

In April, horror writer Ray Garton stopped by my "Blahg" with a little teasing and a lot of soul-baring. A click on his name will bring up his interview also. The following week, I posted a brief review of his novel Scissors. Simply click the title to read it.

A great big THANK YOU to all three April guests! You guys made my month!

Brings MAY Daring...

Coming next week is my first guest here at "The Smudge."

With us on the 9th will be a very busy lady with whom I've had the honor of working a couple times, Ms. Jodi Lee. Jodi is not only an author, but also an editor, publisher, graphic designer, and permanent resident of the town of New Bedlam. With the launch of a brand new press, and an inside scoop on a number of other things, you can't miss this one! Come back next Sunday and find out what kind of oddness the two of us can concoct.

On the 23rd, I'll be hosting a fairly new author with a flair for story-telling, and a man who takes ordinary people and places and makes them extraordinary. Brett Williams impressed me with his stories from the start. Come back on the 23rd to get an insider's take on the self-publishing world, and to find out the motivation behind his story Family Business. Rumor has it he'll be giving away either this or a copy of his soon-to-be-published book of short stories.

Over at my "Blahg" I have the pleasure of hosting the up and coming Amazon Goddess, Saranna DeWylde. I've had the honor of meeting this woman in person, and she is definitely as intimidating as she sounds. Okay, so I'm only half-kidding. She is only intimidating if you truly deserve it. Mwahaha! Saranna's novel How to Lose A Demon in 10 Days will hit shelves November 2010 from Dorchester Publishing. Stop on over on May 17th for a little snippet and a lot of sass!

And that, Boys and Girls, is the May line-up for my blogs! Hope to see you all there!

How much wood could an Abby Wood chuck?

2010-04-25T06:27:00.000-07:00

Would you could you, in a box?

Abby Wood would!

*all cover art images take you to their respective buy pages*

Today I get down and dirty with erotic romance author and wild farm girl, Abby Wood. Abby has 7—yes I said SEVEN—books out, the newest of which was released April 23, just two days ago!

Welcome, Abby!

Abby: Thank you so much for having me here today! *squee* I'm so excited!

My first question is one I’m sure you get asked a lot. *scoots forward and balances on the edge of seat* Tell me, have you done everything in your books?

Abby: Whoa...you want to throw out the nitty gritty questions first, I see. lol Everything? I'll let everyone's imagination wonder about that. I do love doing research though, and my hubs is a very willing participant. Since writing erotic, he has taken quite an interest in my writing...if you know what I mean. *wink* There has also been some talk about designing and selling the sex bench that I wrote about in "Throwing a Kink in the Kidnapping". lol Seems the readers think every home should have a bench.

Mwahahaha! Why certainly, Abby, certainly! A definite must have. *grin*

Now, I know you have a busy life—chickens, and children, and kink, oh my!—so just how do you manage to find the time to write?

Abby: I run on little sleep. I'm one of those people who can sleep for a couple hours and wake up smiling. I know...hate me. lol I do most of my writing after dinner into the late/early hours when the house is quiet. Probably explains why I love to write erotic books. lol My mornings are just too chaotic with feeding animals, kids, chores. I save my promoting, answering emails, and answering interview questions for the morning hours. This will also explain why I often make no sense!

Ha! Excuses, excuses. Oh, wait... I should probably come up with one of those nifty excuse thingies too!

*shakes head* Anyway...

Two days ago, your newest story, “Tagging Her Lynx” was released through Breathless Press. Tell me, Ms. Abby, in three words or less… Why should a reader buy this book?

Abby: Lick, bite, Chocolate

Okay, now you can elaborate. *wink*

Abby: Whew! For a second, I was afraid everyone thought I wrote about Dove's Chocolate. Here's a blurb and excerpt...

Blurb:

Living in the bush of Alaska, Chloe Barrant wanted to take care of the animals at her wildlife refuge and ignore the times she shifted into a lynx. Even she knew that wasn’t normal. Little did she know that the day she'd turn away the poachers she'd find a male lynx coming to her rescue. What surprised her even more was when the lynx turned into a man claiming her as his life mate.

Granger, alpha of the Lynx clan, would do anything to protect the Lynx. They'd lost too many members to the hunters who preyed on them. Finding his alpha life mate gave him back dreams for the future that he'd given up on long ago.

Chloe didn't understand how the other Lynx expected her to fill the alpha role within the clan, when around Granger she only wanted to slip into beta role and submit to him. Could she figure it all out in time to save the Lynx?

Oh, but Abby isn't quite done with the teasers. *grin* Here's a little taste of the story. Enjoy!

"You can put the shovel down. No harm will come to you."

Chloe glared and gave her head a tight shake without moving her gaze off the lynx. She swore the animal talked, but his mouth didn't move. In fact, he now sat completely motionless, with the innocence of a house cat on his face.

"My name is Granger, and I am a shapeshifter like you. We have the ability to talk to each other telepathically."

The shovel fell from her grip, and she jumped back at the clatter of the handle skimming the chain links of the cage. She hurried over to the other side of the aisle and stood with her back against the wires.

Her coat caught on the metal, and puffs of downy feathers billowed out from the snags. She gnawed on her bottom lip and stared, not wanting to believe the voice in her head. There was no way that lynx had just spoken to her.

"It's true, Aningan. We are from the Lynx family. I've seen you shift and run through the woods, keeping to the deep shadows, too afraid of discovery. I've bided my time in coming to you, but unfortunately those men meant you harm and forced me to come out of hiding."

"Go…go a-away. Scat!" She motioned with her arm for him to take off. His chuckles filled her head.

She froze, her lips pursed in disapproval. Why did she even contemplate the reality of the cat laughing in a very masculine, husky voice? She even heard a hint of tenderness in his teasing. This is crazy.

"You're not crazy. I am your mate, and together we have the ability to communicate telepathically. I can explain everything to you. Is there somewhere we can go, sit down, and I can transform back into my human form? What I have to tell you will answer many of the questions that have troubled you lately."

She shook her head. Not possible. This is all in my imagination. A…an aftershock from watching you tear apart another person. She raised her gloved hand and rubbed her forehead.

Okay, lady. What happens next, darn it all! Yeah yeah, I know... Must go buy book now. *sigh* Moving right along.

Speaking of going somewhere...

If you could pick one author past or present to have lunch with, what would you eat?

Abby: I love shrimp. So, I'd have a seafood platter...although I might skip the crab. I always make a mess when I eat that.

Okay, okay… and who would it be?

Abby: Koontz! Man, I'd like to get into his mind. He has to be one deep dude. I think he'd enjoy a lunch with an erotic author. In fact, I'd like to talk to him about making one of his characters an erotic author...I bet we could hatch out a plot over the tartar sauce.

That is not at all what I expected! Great answer though. See folks, a lady with taste AND talent. *wink*

All right, Ms. Daisy Dukes and Biker Boots, is there anything else you would like to add?

Abby: You about covered it. :-) I do have a few books out/coming out, so feel free to follow me on my website or give a shout out at one of the many places I hang out.

Friend Abby on Facebook.
Follow her on Twitter.
Visit her Webpage and get fun updates on her Blog.

Abby, Thanks again for being here today. I’m sure you will have many more steamy stories to share with us soon!

Abby: Thank you so much! It's been a blast. :-)

Ladies and gentlemen of the readers, this is where I open the floor to your comments. Grab a spoon and dig into the steaming hot mind of Abby Wood. I’m sure she’d be happy to indulge you. *wink*

BooBoo's and Backlog

2010-04-18T07:29:00.000-07:00

It's Sunday!

This week, just

stick a fork in me.

I had huge ambitions this week for this blog. I REALLLLLLLLLLLY wanted to read "Designing Love" and give my take on it, but since I'm reading this nice, big, fat book for Russian Lit class, I've had a heck of a time fitting in other reading material. And let me tell you! Her story sure is burning a hole in my hard drive!

So, instead of book musings, I'm going to throw out the mom card and share a bit of that.

Thursday after class, I got a voicemail. I don't get why people don't just spit things out. Perhaps to keep parents from panicking?

Honestly, I panic a lot more if things are drawn out for five minutes than if I'm given the news straight up.

Drawing everything out gives me time to think the worst.

Anyway, my son apparently decided to do some kind of belly flop off the monkey bars. Which turned out to be a little thing that didn't warrant the eternal voicemail and worry.

This gave me a lot less time for taking care of my own business, since he decided he was in serious pain every time he needed to do something boring, but seemed perfectly fine when he was doing what he wanted. I had to stay on him every step of the way.

Here's just a little snippet of how my weekend has gone thus far:

"Hey, sweetie. I'd like you to get one page of homework done."

"But, M-ah-ah-m, my arm hurts. Ow. ow. ow."

"Hey! I didn't ask you to move China. I asked you to do ONE PAGE of homework. Just get it done! Prop yourself up with pillows on the couch and write out ONE PAGE!"

Yes, I know I sound insensitive, but you moms out there know what I'm talking about here. For those of you who don't...read on.

My dear kidlet does his one page and stops. He then promptly picks up the game controller and starts playing video games. And yes, granted, he seems to be in a little pain, so I let it slide. He has a three day weekend, after all. He'll get his work done, right?

Not five minutes later...

My older son's friend stops by to ask them to go on a bike ride to the park. Guess who should immediately hop up and say, "I'm going too!"

Big mean mom lady steps in and says, "Uhhh. No. You're arm hurts. You're in pain. You need to rest your shoulder."

"But, m-ah-ah-m! It feels a little better now."

Luckily, I kept my sarcasm in check. Because "Of course it does" spoken in fluent snark probably would've just backfired on me.

Needless to say, mom won the fight, yet still managed to lose. How did I lose? Well... for about an hour I got to listen to him whine about how much better he was and how mean I was for not letting him play. Of course, after he calmed down a bit, I asked him to do something else and his arm was suddenly in horrible pain again.

Ah, yes. Just one of the many joys of motherhood. But I love my boys to death and wouldn't trade them for anything!

His arm is fine now, by the way. It popped back into place yesterday afternoon. We all got lucky that his arm only popped out when he fell, instead of something much worse. Everything is officially back to Norman. Hoo Rah!

This isn't the first time that boy's done some crazy flying squirrel maneuver! Oh, the stories I could tell. And someday I may.

Yes, someday I may!

Have a great day, all!

I'll see you back here

next Sunday

for the seductive soundings of

Ms. Abby Wood!

Pretty pleasy, melty creamy~Getting steamy with Yvonne Nicolas

2010-04-11T05:08:00.000-07:00

Mmm,

Hot stuff!

Let's get steamy!

*self-mandated ADULT CONTENT warning*

My guest today, Yvonne Nicolas, writes Erotic Romance and Dark Urban Fantasy. Her debut novel, “Designing Love” is now available at Red Rose Publishing. Anyone who knows me, knows I have perfected the giddy little happy dance. I have to say, I’ve got nothing on Yvonne. But, we’ll get to the happy dancing a little later.

So, Yvonne, I figured I’d ease us both into the interview scene with a little multiple-choice. I’ve made this an easy one. Ready?

If you could have only one item on your desk what would it be?
     a) A pen with one of those chain thingies attaching it to a pad of paper.
     b) A word processor.
     c) A full sized image of that hot male model…you know the one. *wink*

Yvonne: LOL! Hmm, I'm going to go with C... As if you didn't know I would choose that one. A pen attached to a pad of paper? Please. Who needs to write anything when you have a hot guy plastered up on your screen.

Mwahahaha! Agreed!

Now, I know you let a little something slip that I’ve been waiting to hear *premature happy dance, just a little one* but let’s focus today on your brand new release, “Designing Love”. Is this your first published work?

Yvonne: Yes this is, and I must say I can hardly contain my excitement. Although, this is my first published work, this is not my first baby. Of course, you already know that. ;o) I love erotic romance but thrive off paranormal romance and dark fantasy. Hopefully, the readers will soon see what makes me tick.

*grin* I can't wait for that other baby. That's been on my buy list since I read the first sentence.

But... let's get back to "Designing Love".

Can you give us a brief snippet from the story, perhaps a little word candy—a little taste of the ooey gooey goodness to come?

Yvonne: Sure.

***THIS EXCERPT CONTAINS***

***ADULT CONTENT***

                The pounding beat of the hard rock music did little to diffuse the fire-storm raging within her core. Josephine continually clutched her thighs together and shifted in the leather seat, hoping to God the feeling would go away, but the longer she sat there, the worse it became.
                He smelled so good, like a delicious man-meal on a platter. His cologne combined with his natural scent enticed her senses.
                She kept taking involuntary glances at his masculine hands and long fingers. She wrung her hands feverishly in her lap, fighting the need to slip her fingers between her thighs to heal the ache dangling on the edge of her clit.
                Huffing, she turned to stare out the window.
                “You okay?”
                Hell no! “Uh-huh, you have a nice ride.”
                She couldn’t even look at him. It was best she didn’t. He was poison to her resistance. He had a way of sucking her into the deep blue fantasy called his eyes. It was too dangerous of a place to be, a place where she could easily lose herself in a heat of passion. Damn him. It wasn’t fair he had this kind of effect on her, especially when she tried to stay on the right path.
                “Here we go.” They pulled up to the entrance.
                “Thanks for the ride,” she uttered quickly.
                Swiftly, she grabbed the handle in an attempt to make a run for it. His fingers wrapped around her wrist, forcing her to turn and look at him. His inky hair had fallen over his forehead, enhancing his sex appeal.
                “I know this goes against what we discussed at the outlet, but—I just want to spend time with you, get to know you. And where we go from there, let’s—let’s just leave it to fate. I like you a lot Josephine, and I’m hoping you feel the same about me.”

His eyes were so sincere, so hopeful. Damn it, she had almost made it out of the vehicle. She closed her eyes for a brief moment to steady her thoughts, to think of something to say that didn’t involve the words, fuck me, please.

***Heather is officially speechless.***
***She must now take a moment to pick herself up off the floor and find air.***
***Please stay tuned.***

*big huge breath* OMG Yvonne! Holy sweet...! Moving right along. *fans self*

So *whew* now that half the interwebz wants to stalk you like psycho crazy persons...

Do you have a preferred hang out; for example, Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, or perhaps the Intergalactic Data Pushers Guild?

Yvonne: Actually, I'm a member of Facebook, Myspace and Twitter. I'm still new to the tweet sessions, but feel free to drop in a follow me anytime. ;o)

Oh, yeah. I'm so there! But then, I have been for a while. LOL

I’ve had the privilege of working on critiques with you. You always come across as upbeat and jovial. Tell me, have you ever just wanted to stick…no, that’s not right…thump someone with a pencil even once?

Don’t worry, you can tell me. *crosses fingers behind back* I promise not to tell. *wink*

Yvonne: LOL! Bad girl. Well to be honest with you, I've never gotten that worked up while doing crits, or at least that's what I'm going to stick with here. ;o) Everyone has their own style of writing, and when I critique for others, I try my best to understand that and not hinder their voice. If I ever get to the point when I want to thump someone with a pencil, then it's time for me to stop.

Very well said!

Well, Yvonne, it’s been a pleasure. Do you have any other randomness to add?

Yvonne: Oh yeah! Promo time! Please make sure to drop by Red Rose Publishing and pick up my new book, "Designing Love". Take the sensual thrill ride with me, and if by the end of the book you haven't shifted in your seat, or squeezed your thighs together at least once, then I haven't done my job very well. ;o) Hugs and Kisses to all of those readers who love erotic romance. I'll be waiting to hear from you.

Want to find out more about this tiger of a writer? Keep up with the lovely Yvonne Nicolas at these haunts:

Friend her on Facebook.
Facebook Fan Page.
Connect with her on Myspace
Follow her on Twitter.

Thanks so much for stopping by today, Yvonne! It's been a blast. I wish you much success with your release, and be sure to keep me abreast of any new releases. Especially one in particular! *wink*

All right, folks. Got questions, or comments? The floor is now yours!

ONE WEEK! HOO RAH!

2010-04-04T09:03:00.000-07:00

READING, WRITING, and ENTER VIEWS
Oh My!

(my own little breed of a Happy Easter post)

I love reading. LOOOOOOOOOVE it. And whether or not I write feverishly, or am going through a token scribble phase, or am merely being creative in other areas of life, books and stories are a big deal.

This term I enrolled in a Russian Literature class. The history and the stories, as well as the authors, are proving to be rather interesting. The great thing about this class is the teacher doesn't want some boring essay as our final project, so she assigned a creative one. We can write a character bio, a journal in the mind of a character, any number of things on paper; we can make a video, a film where we act out a story, other visual art modes; or we can simply harness modern technology and create a FB page or a Twitter profile and pretend to be a character. Or, we can get approval from her if we have other ideas.

I want to do a blog. Because I love the blog thing. Because I think it would be fantastic fun. Unfortunately, I have no idea what direction I want it to go. We shall see, we shall see.

Crazy me is also going to get a bit more busy. I started a new position in the writing world. I'll be working for stories, which at this time is good enough for me. I also get a bit of practice and some history to add to my writing resume.

A week from today, my first interview posts. Thank you, Yvonne Nicolas, for being my guinea pig. *grin* The only downfall of hosting interviews is I get a little taste and want to buy all their books. I've already purchased Scissors by Ray Garton (a Heather recommended read) and Designing Love by Yvonne Nicolas (which I'll be reading this week). This crazy urge to read their stories got me thinking.

Authors have busy lives and if they take the time out of their busy schedules to indulge my probing, and readers take the time to comment on my blog, what can I do for them (the author) and you (the reader)?

What better way to say "thank you!" to all involved than purchasing the author's book to give away? So—because I don't have the kind of pocket money to buy books to simply give away—I signed up for the Amazon affiliate program. Yeah, I'm announcing it. I didn't sign up to make money for myself. In fact, I don't plan on keeping any of the earnings now that I've found another way to support my personal reading habit. I would like to use what little I make from this venture to purchase books to give away to a few lucky people who take the time to stop by and show support to the authors.

No, not all my guests write. I have mothers, and editors, and publishers, and photographers, and... well... you can see what I mean on my "Calender" (link on the left). No matter what role art plays in their lives, I plan on having a lot of fun with each of my guests. And I encourage participation from any and all visitors to both blogs as well. It's a circle of life: writers need readers, readers need writers, and I need both.

My run of interviews starts next Sunday on this very blog. Come on back next week to get a little taste of the hot and steamy erotic romance just released through RRP by Yvonne Nicolas (buy link is to the right). Then pop in at my "Blahg" for a little taste of Ray Garton. Mark your calenders, it's going to be a blast!

I'm wiggly dancing in my chair right now!

No more coffee for me!

OH! And a HAPPY EASTER SUNDAY to ALL!

Easter Blog Hop Bonus Blog!

2010-04-02T06:29:00.000-07:00

Hi there!
You've reached "The Smudge".
Easter Blog Hop Participants: You should have come from Annie Nicholas blog.

WELCOME!

If you're new here, feel free to look around. I post a new entry every Sunday, and starting on April 11th, I have a full array of interviews lined up with authors, artists and other random creative souls from now until the new year!

My debut novella "Ebin's Heart" was released February 25th of this year through Red Rose Publishing. It's up as part of the final Easter Blog Hop prize. If you are the lucky reader, please stop in and let me know your thoughts, if not, feel free to stop over at RRP and check out the blurb and excerpt. I also have other excerpts posted at my "Blahg", the links to which can be found in the "In Heather News" section in the left side panel.

To participate in the blog hop egg hunt, you must click on the hidden egg. We’ll be running the hop all weekend, so if you have to take a break from all the fun stuff posted, just bookmark the page, and return to the tour at your convenience.

You are not required to comment on this blog post to be eligible to win, but if you want to, feel free. I really do enjoy getting to know my visitors.

The entry form to win the Easter Basket of goodies is at the end of the tour. Winners will be chosen Easter Sunday 4/4/10 at 7pm EST, and announced at the Liquid Silver Books forum (also a complete list of possible prizes AND the starting point for all you fantastic regular Sunday visitors wondering what could possibly be wrong with me for posting on a Friday *wink*).

Here's wishing you all the best this Easter season, along with much luck and tons of fun in your little hop along blog lane today!

While searching for the egg *ahem cough cough hint alert*, be sure to take a look at the calender of events *nudge nudge*, which can be found on the pages bar to left *poke poke poke*. Take a peek at the guests stopping in this month, both here at "The Smudge" and over at my "Blahg". And don't forget to look for the ONLY solo Easter Egg that can be found on my blog.*ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhem click and scroll, it's that easy couuuuuuuuuuuugh*

Don't forget to stop in again on Sunday for my normally scheduled post!

And on that note,

LET THE EGG HUNT BEGIN!

Hmmm I said to myself

2010-03-28T16:58:00.000-07:00

Yep, not gonna be a blog post of any intelligence this week.

I had a lovely spring break, I start classes again tomorrow. I'm calling this little comment good until next week.

But...

Don't forget to stay tuned. April promises tons of fun!

Have a great week, ALL!

Tickets please!

2010-03-21T05:00:00.000-07:00

Two days! *girly squeal*

Tuesday morning, little Ms. I'll-never-set-foot-on-an-airplane

is taking her first flight.

Keep in mind, I haven’t flown in 35 years because I've got this crazy fear of flying. That being said, I’m planning to drown myself in words and song. Books and music. Those are my escapes. And with those two wonderful, beautiful things, I shall conquer my fear.

I’m excited and terrified all at the same time. So, in order to alleviate some of that scaredy-cat nonsense, I hunted down some rather amusing commercials involving airlines. There were too many to choose from, so I enlisted my boys to watch them with me. I used their laughter to help narrow it down. I knew their collective sense of humor would come in handy eventually. *grin*

There is no ticket or boarding pass required for this ride. So sit back, hit play, and enjoy the show.

Talk about using your head:

No pain, no watch it again:

A little wet behind the ears:

Sleeping beauty and prince not so charming:

Love is in the air:

And when I return,

I hope I have nothing at all remotely like this

to share about my adventure!

Mwahahaha!

Don't Make me Hurt the Postman!

2010-03-14T06:50:00.000-07:00

When my car decided to take leave of its senses—I will get that sucker fixed!—I completely spaced that I had my mailbox keys—yes both of them—on the same keychain. I have now sufficiently lost said keychain. It's funny how things disappear when you don't use them much to begin with, then stop using them at all for a while.

In the last week, I ordered a book, AND won a book; and filed my taxes. Tax return, no big deal.

BUT DAMMIT! I WANT MY BOOKS!

Yesterday I spent the day searching off and on. My goodness. I didn't know I had so many hiding places for things. I found plenty of hidden treasures—which will more than likely end up back in hiding soon enough since they ended up incognito to begin with—but no keys.

So today my plan is to finish my final paper, rewrite and practice my Russian final for the oral test, and FIND MY DANG KEYS. Yep. Keeping it simple.

Part of my need for said books, is my plane trip. Heaven forbid I get my happy little first-time-flier-bundle-of-nerve-self on the plane and not have a good book to read that doesn't belong to the library. Shoot, I'm fairly sure those library people—may the gods of readers bless them—would haunt me to the end of days if their book left the county.

Asking the postman for my mail is out of the question. It's not like I still live in that small town where everybody knows everyone and people didn't bother with silly postal laws if they saw you everyday. *sigh* And I really don't want to start stalking my postal worker in a ski mask in order to get my package. Although, if the keys prove as elusive to find today as they did yesterday... *shakes head* C'mon Heather, snap out of it!

Yes, I must find keys, then I must check the mail religiously—at least until I go on vacation*grin*—and I must find my sanity again.

And all for the love of spring break...

Sudsy Sunday: Surprises at "The Smudge"

2010-03-07T10:14:00.000-08:00

Surprises at "The Smudge"

Between classes and homework, finals week, my upcoming first plane ride during spring break to a place I've never been, two birthdays this month, getting around on foot while my car is out of commission, doing my own writing, and a long list of other stuff I'm sure I've forgotten...

MY MIND HAS TURNED TO NACHO CHEESE.

Yes, you read that right. It's soggy and gooey and drippy and ready to slop out onto a big ol' plate of chips. So, in order to let it get back at least a little of its substance, I decided to share my postings with some fellow authors, artists, and even some generally interesting people who will bring a spark of life to the random ramblings usually found in this here blog.

April is shaping up to be a fantastic month for Enter Views (my self proclaimed term for said interviews), both here and over at my Psychotic Blahg.

April at a glance:

April 11th

Erotic Romance and Dark Urban Fantasy author

Yvonne Nicolas.

Yvonne has done me the honor of taking up the challenge of being my debut interview here at "The Smudge". Her new romance novel "Designing Love" will be out April 1st at Red Rose Publishing. I've had the pleasure of working with her on a different project, and this lady can write! Come see what she has to say when this nacho cheese head gets a hold of her.

April 25th

Erotic Romance author

Abby Wood.

Abby's newest book, "Tagging Her Lynx" will be available at Breathless Press on April 23rd, so there will be much to celebrate. She also has several other stories out, one of which I had the privilege of reading titled "Throwing a Kink in the Kidnapping". Come join the party, and get a little taste of the person behind such steamy stories.

These fine ladies kick off a nine month run of interviews with authors, artists, and others—creatively inclined people of all sorts. A little fun, a little promo, maybe even a giggle and a laugh. Come join the party, bring a friend, shoot, bring all your friends, toss out questions and make these guests work! Mwahahaha!

Ahh, but that isn't all I have in store for the wonderful month of April. I have arranged for a guest appearance at my other blog. My guest is a man who has written over fifty books, four of which are now on their way to becoming movies. There is never a dull moment with this one! Want to know who this certain someone is? Stop by "The Blahg" tomorrow and find out all the deliciously gory details!

See You All There!

Fair and Appropriate Language

2010-02-28T09:18:00.000-08:00

Appraisal of the Dark Side:

~The Language is
strong with this one~

From Heather's game of Big Mouth Monopoly:
Go straight to hell, do not pass go, do not stop at the book store.

Kids say the $*&#est things!

One Saturday night a couple weeks back, I was reading an email, and I heard some of the most inappropriate—and very adult—words come from my young son's mouth. I'm very nearly 100% sure I've never said those words around my boys. I won't repeat the them because I'd like to keep this blog at least moderately family friendly, but suffice it to say I was NOT a happy camper. Nope, nope, nope!

I'm a pretty reasonable person, and what is appropriate at age eighteen may not be when a person is nine. But what "really" is fair and appropriate language? Who determines it? And what can be done about it?

What is Fair and Appropriate Language?

This is something that can be debatable, and I'll give the reader who disagrees that point. But, in this case, "fair and appropriate language" is used as a fairly broad term. I'd like to define it today as the use of words to conjure up an image, whether verbally or in writing. And for today, it's as simple as that.

Appropriateness ~ Who determines it?

Society, while it may play a part in the vocabulary of our children, is not the sole factor in the words our young ones use. In one household a child's use of the word brat may result in discipline, while in other households swear words abound. Ultimately, it is the parent's choice.

What about the world of publishing?

Publishers, readers, and the writer his/herself are all an integral part of determining the extent of language, words, and content written. Authors write, edit, revise and make words work for them, at least that's how it should happen. Sometimes words are character driven. If we write a lowlife thug, chances are we aren't going to have him talking all fairies and flowers. No, he's going to drop an h here and an f there. If we write the happy little school girl she will be a little more demure and a lot less vulgar.

Parents coupled with society dictate which words are appropriate for child usage.

The industry, the reader base, and the author determine appropriate words and content as adults.

Heather proves that she is, indeed, insane.

Heather the mom: Not really insane, but apparently I am living proof that people are either exactly like their parents or they are complete opposites. I was raised in a strict, yet hypocritical household and I refuse to put my kids through that. I teach my kids EVERYTHING. I especially explain words. I'm a word person and that is how I express myself. Therefore, it makes sense that I teach them how to properly express themselves.

I don't just tell them they are NOT allowed to use a word. I tell them why. I explain—at an age appropriate level, of course—what the word means. I tell them that it is not an appropriate word to use. I educate them on where it is appropriate—IF it is appropriate, that is—and then we move on. Call me crazy if you will. I have very few problems with language in my household.

Is that how it works in the publishing industry?

Ummm. No. That is like hundreds of families making different rules. Sure, there are a set of guidelines that permeate as a general rule, but it's not quite the same. Something acceptable at one place, may be completely off-base elsewhere. Yet, as writers we go into the houses of our friends, so to speak. As readers, we invite these friends into our homes. Sometimes we don't get a say in how the friend will behave. I'll give an example.

Heather the reader: Just last week I read a book I found highly offensive. People find things highly offensive for different reasons. You can swear at me, throw books at my head, tell me about some guy shoving a knife into another person's heart in a story and I can just shrug it off. Either I solicited such a response or I know something will happen that makes it all worthwhile in the end. But...

If I'm warned there is "graphic content", and it turns out to fit my definition of rape, that friend is no longer welcome in my house. I do not tolerate rape, nor child abuse in any form, for the sake of titillation. This stuff in any way shape or form is NOT WELCOME IN MY HOUSE. Swear words, sure, throw those in. Vulgar descriptive of human anatomy? Absolutely toss in a few of those too. BUT LEAVE OUT THE GLORIFYING OF PREDATORS. Especially if they aren't punished for their actions. ESPECIALLY if the predator is the HERO!!!

I'm not attacking anything in particular here. What I want to do is defend those who have suffered such things and are forced to feel the pain and self-loathing—as well as the chronic filth of undeserved guilt that coats the skin and no amount of scrubbing will wash away—that they have tried so hard to forget. Forced seduction is one thing—bring it on—but make sure both parties know what they are getting into. I'm even letting the story that left me angered slide, because it all worked out in the end. No, I don't agree with it, but I won't say I'll never read another of the author's books because others may be better. Maybe this one was a fluke.

But... if I come across a story glorifying the laying of hands on children in an inappropriate nature. NO WAY! Not only will the book be BLACKLISTED from my reading material, ANYTHING by that author will as well. PERIOD. NO QUESTIONS ASKED. NEVER GOING TO READ THEIR STUFF AGAIN. EVER!

Heather, that's not language, that's content!

Content? In writing, is not content a string of words? Is language not the paint that creates the image on the canvas of a blank page?

Yes, fair and appropriate language make up "content". If a person can look at the "whole" and be unsatisfied or feel slighted, then the use of language was done in a less than acceptable way. So, in essence, fair and appropriate language is the basis for all types of content. Take away the glorifying words in certain "forced seduction" scenes and make them what they really are instead of making rape into something steamy, then it's fair. Calling it "graphic" and "adult" is not going to warn a reader of the content, and someone who has experienced either of the two things I will not read or condone, is going to need additional counseling and support to deal with the emotions brought on by such an oversight.

Really, though, if someone puts the warning that there is rape or child abuse in a story, who will read it? And as a society of "caring humans", where do we draw the line?

A question for *YOU*.

Readers, if an unrealistic situation is worded to make it seem feasible, are you fooled by the image? I'm curious, what kind of language—*sigh* AND content for you overzealous definition people out there—makes you squeamish?

I can't wait to hear your feedback!

Sudsy Sunday: Louise Bohmer's The Black Act

2010-02-21T05:58:00.000-08:00

I have very interesting thoughts on reading, considering I read pretty much the entire library in my small town as a child. I have few requirements on stories, genre is NOT one of them, I read pretty much any kind of story.

1. The story must grab me right from the beginning.
2. The story must keep my attention even in the calm chapters.
3. The end can't disappoint me.

Now, there are very few stories anymore that can do this for me. I've been through hell and high water in my life, so stories that give me what I need to call a story a fantastic read are few and far between.

So this week I decided it was high time to wade through some of the books that have been sitting on my computer patiently waiting. Yes, I'm all for e-books, which doesn't mean I'll ever stop loving my traditional print books because they are so much easier on my eyes when doing a marathon read.

And I do love my marathon reads. :D

Yesterday, I started--and finished--The Black Act, a dark fantasy by Louise Bohmer. Now mind you, I meant to get to this sooner, but life being what it is and time being that harsh mistress at times, I kept putting it off.

That being said... Here are my thoughts of The Black Act by Louise Bohmer.

The Black Act Book Trailer

My overview (it's all about perception):

The Black Act is a story of animosity between two races that leads to a curse intended to destroy the Wood People. This is the story of the line of twins cursed and haunted who unwittingly serve as tools for those whose hate has murdered their reason. It's a story of lies and deception, of protection and innocence, and of human error and the kindness of others.

I started reading the story shortly after I got my copy, but I couldn't get into it. It didn't suck me in like I had hoped. So... I put it down for a while. Who knows, it could have simply been the phase of my life I was going through at the time.

Yesterday, I pulled up the file again. The beginning still didn't do it for me, so having already read it once, I skimmed through it, and viola! managed to get into the story. As I mentioned above, it is hard for me to do marathon reads on the computer. But marathon read I did.

Once I got into the meat of the story, I really enjoyed it. Louise did a wonderful job weaving a character driven tale. Despite being all over the place in time and history, in and out of visions, and constantly changing POV, I managed to follow--and even get pulled into--the different scenes. Unfortunately, I couldn't really connect with any particular character enough to care when they met their fates, but the story itself held my attention and I wanted to know more.

Overall it was a decent read and if asked if I would recommend it, I'd have to say yes. If I can read a book in one setting, it has to be good!

To learn more about Louise Bohmer, visit her website, or get more information on the story here. You can also purchase The Black Act at Amazon.com.

Sudsy Sunday: Flashback Poetry for Valentines Day

2010-02-13T22:34:00.000-08:00

I had a post planned out for this week before I was gently reminded by the bag of candy that came home with the little one that today is a special day for love. So, in a mad scramble to come up with something creative, I dug into my poetry archives...

And when I say archives, I mean silly schoolgirl drivel of a naive mind. But, on this most beautiful of days full of pinks and reds, I think naive innocence may be the most beautiful thing I have to share.

LOVE

Love is gentle,

as a sigh.
Love is soft,

like velvet.
Love is sweet,

as sweet as honey.
Love is tender,

like the heart.
Love is special,

as a child is.
Love is caring,

like a parent.
Love is modest,

as is the night sky.

Love is beauty,

like the rose.

By Heather Wildman

FROM MY BABY TO ME

A candlelight dinner,
A dance in the rain,
A soft gentle touch,
A smile without pain.
A walk in the moonlight,
A stroll by the sea,
A gentle caress,
From my baby to me.
A genuine whisper,
A meaningful glance,
A day spent together,
A good circumstance,
A gentle goodnight,
A kiss all can see,
A long lasting phone call,
From my baby to me.
A letter by mail,
A note on the door,
A walk in the park,
A trip to the store.
A drive in the country,
A friend two or three,
A hug and a kiss,
From my baby to me.
A day at the beach,
A day at the pool,
A day in the sun,
A day when it’s cool.
A nice juicy apple,
In all things we share,
From me to my baby,
“I will always be there!”

By Heather Wildman

HOW GOOD DREAMS DIE

A poor lost soul,

Floating slowly along,

For beauty, friends and love,

She painfully does long.

In her heart a painful ache,

Is her need and love of him.

If only he would look her way,

But the dream is bright, hope is dim.

Then suddenly, there it is.

A thrilling shiver of elation.

He looked her way, and in his eyes,

A look of adoration.

He walks her way, she is afraid,

Fear fills her to the brim.

She hopes down in the depth of heart,

He loves her, like she loves him.

A word is spoken, a smile shines,

Glowing deep within their eyes,

Two hearts unite as love flares up,

Life is born as a good dream dies.

By Heather Wildman

And on that note, I wish you all a Happy Valentine's Day. Even if you're single, I hope you show yourself the love and pampering we all deserve. 'Tis not a day of lovers, but a day of showing love. And who better to know our needs, than ourselves.

Happy Valentine's Day

Big Fish, Little Fish: A game of numbers and dreams.

2010-02-07T06:50:00.000-08:00

One Fish, Two Fish...

Lately I decided to cut back even more on some of the blogs I read. No, not because I don't like them, but because I really want to focus on taking care of the things that matter most in life.

Now, now, Heather.
What matters more than blogs?
Are you insane?

I have two beautiful children, one getting ready to head into his teen years, the other with a unique personality that differs just enough from my own to make me crazy. Those are the MOST important things. I also have quality friends I spend time with, my education and homework, writing, reading, and maintaining my own blogs.

My own blogs, you ask? Yes. My own blogs. I spend a whole heck of a lot of quality time on each post I put out there.

Wait, you say...
How hard can it be to throw out a blog?

It isn't hard to throw out a blog. Not hard at all—if all I did was throw them out there. I've read some blogs that look like someone took two minutes to toss out a thought. And for some of those people it works. Me, not so much.

When I do a blog post, I draft it out. So, I guess in a sense I do throw it out there. But then I let it sit a while before I read it back. I remove the idiocy of overemotional madness that sometimes comes out in a free-write. I tone down attacks on people or things that I'm only attacking because I feel neglected. I reword, rework, and fine tune until I'm happy that it says what I want it to say in a way I want to say it.

Then—then and only then—do I "throw it out there". Even after it's posted, I read and reread. I make sure that the final posting is as perfect as I can get it. I look for spelling errors, grammar and formatting issues, and check all links posted to make sure they go where they are supposed to and that they open in a new window. I DOUBLE CHECK EVERYTHING!

There are days I spend hours on a single blog post. There are weeks I spend days on one. There are times I scrap the entire thing and start over. But I NEVER just THROW one out there. Because I'm crazy like that. I take pride in even that facet of my writing.

Which brings me to
the feeling of pointlessness
that sometimes possesses me.

I have a terrible time promoting my stuff. It's getting easier, but I hate saying "look at me, look what I did, it took forever, come let me share!" It makes me crazy, because as much as I want to share, I'm afraid no one will look, no one will care and my efforts will be in vain. Sometimes it feels easier to NOT promote, because then if no one reads it, it's my own damn fault. But I took that route for twenty years and it hasn't done squat for me, so promote I shall.

A big goal of mine: Do not give up on yourself before you try.

Heather, is it pointless
to spend that kind of time and effort
on each of the three posts you do every week?

I honestly don't know at this point. I enjoy doing it. But it's kind of like planning a surprise party and having no one show up. There's cake, balloons, guests, and the recipient. If the guests and recipient don't show up, really, what's the point?

Don't get me wrong, I know people read my blog. I also know people are busy, and I understand that because I am too. I know there are thousands of blogs out there to choose from, and in comparison to the big fish out there, who am I?

Big fish, little fish...
Who you gonna read?

Sometimes it seems like all the little people—all the authors and artists out there trying to break into their respective fields—latch onto the blogs and coattails of the big names. They are all looking for that little boost that will get them to the top. I'd say they merely enjoy reading, but those are the blogs you see comments on by the hundreds. Everyone wants a piece of those big names.

Those big people... do little people really think that trying to get in their good graces is really going to do any good when hundreds of other people are doing the same thing? Sure, there may be one or two that get in with the big name folks, and perhaps the big name sees an opportunity for free promotion and jumps at the chance, because really, who doesn't like free promotion? Or perhaps they simply hit it off. Either way, that leaves us little guys with a tough fight to be noticed.

So, Heather...
What makes you think you stand a chance?

A chance at what? Competing with the big fish for the attention of other small fish? HA. I don't think I have a chance. I don't write my blogs to compete. I write them because I enjoy it and perhaps in a strange way I may get my name out there a bit.

Here I sit—little fish in a great big oceanic pond—trying to be the best that I can be, taking pride in my stuff, and ignoring all the numbers because at this point telling people, "OOH! I got 30 hits to my blog this week", isn't going to mean jack.

Thirty when compared to three-thousand, is absolutely nothing.

The difference is, I care about the quality. I like that a small number of people stop by and read my ramblings, which really aren't ramblings but are thought out and planned no matter how "thrown out there" they may seem at times.

Well, little lady...
Why DO you keep writing them, then?

Honestly, it's because I appreciate each comment, even though I don't always have the time to respond to each individual one, and I love seeing what others have to say about what I write, whether I scribbled out an opinion or a story.

I love that I have a few wonderful people who step up to support my attempts to make my blahg fun. I know three people who were there for my Fast Friday venture from the beginning, one who sends me stuff regularly, and two who stepped up and added a little variety even though they have busy writer lives.

This all means the world to me. More than any numbers game that might be played in the web world.

I know the feeling of putting work
into something for nothing,
and I hate that feeling.

From here on out, my goal is to leave a comment at each blog I read, even if just to say, "Hey, I was here" because something like that matters to me. I don't care how big that person's name has become.

As for me, I don't need comments on everything. I don't need comments from the same people on every blog post. I'm not asking for anyone to put their life on hold to give me a little ego-boost. All I'm saying is that I'm as guilty as the next person when it comes to taking for granted a blog I enjoy.

I'm never going to stop writing. I'm not going to give up. I'm not going to kiss up to big names just to get fame or recognition, because my stories, my determination, my moderate OCD when it comes to editing, and my struggle to step out of my self-promo comfort zone will get me there.

At this point,
I'm going to ask for feedback on this.

If you've read this far, just leave me a comment. You can say "Hi." and leave it at that, or you can tell me just how messed up my views are, or you can completely agree. If you didn't read this far... well... 'nuff said.

I'm not one to swim with the big fish, or grovel with the little fish.

But this little fish is gonna eat and eat and eat until she's all growed up.

I just have to avoid that oh-so-tempting lure of self-defeatism...

Sudsy Sunday: Exception to a rule.

2010-01-30T12:35:00.000-08:00

I have committed no crime.

Yet...

I know I said that I don't judge a person based on their writing style, and I don't refuse to read books based on someone's personality.

Well, this is true. But recently a potential exception to this rule came to light.

What happens when someone's writing reflects their life? Eh, that I can live with. All fiction is loosely based on life.

But what if their life reflects their fiction?

And...what if they write horror?

What if that reflection is geared toward me or someone I know? That right there is enough to turn me off to every facet of the person's life.

Mind you, I have no basis to give for this, no examples, no real rationale. I merely remembered something that happened in my life many years ago where someone's fantasies overtook their reality, and my life and the lives of my children were severely affected.

I would never intentionally take action that set off a chain reaction that put anyone through that kind of mess. People who blame others and harass them like that just because their self-created illusions have been crushed, need help. They need to realize that not everyone is out to get them, that they themselves must take responsibility for some of the things that befall them.

Guilt and anger do crazy things to people when left unresolved. Sometimes such people turn to art in some form, whether music, writing, or visual arts. Yes, it's great to have an outlet, but until said person deals with the underlying cause of the need for the outlet, they are not only a danger to themselves, but to others.

I know this because I have lived through it. And while I love writing victims as my main characters, and reading about them as well, I prefer stories where the people who have suffered at the hands of others triumph over their problems. They will never be "normal" or "whole" again, but they will still be amazing and wonderful people. They can live healthy and happy lives. Just as their creators can in real life...

IF ONLY THEY GET THE HELP THEY NEED.

So, no, I don't judge a person by their stories, or stories by a person...

But if someone starts living their stories, or acting in conjunction with them, I WILL NOT READ THEIR STUFF because THEY NEED HELP and I will not encourage their actions by supporting their outlet.

Hopefully I will never run into something like this, but if I do, let the record show I did make a fine print clause to my own rule.

Perhaps I need help...

Sudsy Sunday: Stories~The most faithful of friends

2010-01-22T19:49:00.000-08:00

As plenty of people know, I have an FB account. The other day someone mentioned not being able to keep up with the flow and needing to delete people who haven't kept in contact through the years. The comments that ensued thereafter, ranged from hiding feeds to not wanting to merely “collect friends”. That whole line of thought prompted this post. Why?

I've never been an outgoing person. I was a very sheltered child, and I didn’t think anyone from my school days remembered me—or frankly even gave a crap—because I probably said three words to any given one of them in any given year, aside from a select few. I was terribly timid, overly sheltered, and very much a loner who longed to be part of the bigger group; but for a young girl afraid of her own shadow and strictly enforced parental restrictions, there was little chance of that dream coming true.

My shadow soon became my favorite friend. No, not the shadow that proudly splayed over the ground, but the one that stayed tucked away in the hidden recesses of my mind. I mean the repressed part of me that was not allowed to play, the part that was forbidden from ever seeing the light of day.

That part of me should never have been repressed. Teachers commented on my ability to paint word images, tell stories, weave tales, and wax poetic. But I was supposed to be a good girl, perfect and angelic. So I hid the parts of me that weren’t supposed to exist. I hid that urge to belong because—according to my parents—I was above others in the sense that God loved me and wanted me to serve him in one way, and the people I wanted to like me didn’t believe in him like they should.

I watched, I witnessed, I spoke of the hypocrisy of my ‘religious peers’; when in reality, I wanted what they had. Not only that, I fought my urge to write the stories and dreams in my mind, and wrote only what I was supposed to. To escape, I drowned myself in the words of others and let my mind go places it wanted in the safety of stories. Fortunately those had not been forbidden like everything else. Those stories were my constant companions, my best friends. I had secret trysts with the adult section of the library mere blocks from my house. I’d take a book down to the youth section and devour its contents. I don't know how many countless hours I spent with my bound companions, but before I left the town where I'd spent the first nineteen years of my life, I'd read almost every book in the building plus a few borrowed from other libraries.

Now, here I am over a decade and a half later, finally allowing my shadow to sit by my side, to emerge from its darkness and dance into the light. My shadow loves every minute of it. So, am I a "friend collector"? No. But I do have people I don't really know on my friends list. I have those I am pretty sure added me to pad their numbers. In fact, there are times it almost feels like I'm back in high school.

In those last days of school when everyone signed that year book “wish I would have got to know you better” I felt heartbroken. Most of my peers had twelve years to get to know me. I realize now, that I hadn't made much effort myself. I don't hold any of that against others anymore, I've made a conscious effort to try to rectify that by making efforts now. So in this modern world of networking sites, I don’t just add people to "collect friends", because I know what it feels like to be just another tally mark on someone’s popularity chart. When I add a person I watch, I read, and I pay attention to what they have to say.

Sure, I’ve had to "hide" a few feeds. Several because they update more than I can handle in a given day, some because I’m ninety percent sure I exist solely as a tally mark on their measure of success, some because they do nothing but play the silly little apps I care nothing about. For the most part, though, I see everything that is posted because I'm one of those people that really cares. I even stop by on occasion and take a peek at the walls of those I don't watch regularly, just to see what they have to say.

Sadly, if I were to delete everyone who wasn’t a real friend, keep only those I have kept up with over the years or who are true friends now, I would have about four people in my friends list. Personally, I’ve always been one to put quality over quantity. I'm well aware who treats me like a person and not a trophy friend, and those are the people I would be sorry to see go. As for the rest, honestly, I would rather have a few friends I can trust and rely on and offer what I have to give, than ever treat them like a number. And to those of you associated with my FB page, I thank you for taking the time to read this. I truly appreciate it.

So, why do I bother with FB? Why do I bother with friends at all?

Well—aside from a small handful of people who have come and gone from my life, and a few I now hold close to my heart—my best friends have always been my stories, the books I’ve read, and my imagination; and I now have some of my own to share with the world.

And I’ll be damned if my most faithful friends hide with me in the shadows any longer!

Sudsy Sunday: Happily Ever After NOT for everyone

2010-01-16T13:14:00.000-08:00

It’s Sudsy Sunday, which in my life means book talk.

The book I’m reading is a long one full of short stories. I didn't have a problem in my younger years sitting down and reading a book of this length in one sitting. Some days I would finish two or three books. I soaked them up, devoured the words, loved the tales.

Then I had children.

I spent much time reading to my children. I read to my unborn babies. I held them close and read to them when I nursed them. I hugged them tight and read to them at nap time and bedtime as they grew. This has always been something very important to me and in my opinion it does help

As for me, I’m lucky if I get to finish a book in a week.

My boys are both now avid readers. Unfortunately, they were both born with certain challenges that all of us face together on a daily basis.

Suffice it to say, life isn’t always easy for any of us.

Happily Ever After doesn’t make me feel better about life. It doesn’t do a damn thing for me. In fact, it makes me want to vomit. No matter how I’ve tried, I've never seen that sort of perfection. Don’t get me wrong, I read HEA books occasionally when the story is well written and paints a realistic picture of human nature.

I don’t believe in prince charming. I don’t believe someone will come along and rescue me from my woes. I don’t believe that men are supposed to be the salvation of women while women retain all the perks and freedoms they have fought for.

I've read many happily ever after stories that paint just that, and I find it to be a severe disservice to men. From early ages, lullabies and fairy tales set men up for failure. No wonder there are so many assholes out there. If it's impossible to live up to feminine expectations, why try?

Men don't change for women. Women aren't happy when they cater completely to someone they don't respect. And yet, this kind of stuff happens all the time in HEA stories. I simply can't relate to that.

I prefer stories based in realism. Stories where there is love and loss, where two compatible people have to fight their own imperfections in order to cultivate happiness.

Stories that explore human nature, where the character loses something or someone, and finds a way to overcome and move on.

Stories where someone's life is touched by another and even though they can't be together, an impact has been made, and the main character has learned from it, becoming a better person.

Most of all, stories that leave the reader satisfied even though the end may not contain the perfect relationship, or a dream come true.

My favorite kinds of stories explore human nature, delve into the mind, and leave the reader with a gratifying resolution instead of the illusion of happiness that in reality would wind up shattered three days after the story ends.

I don’t need HEA. What I need is validation that my life is normal, that others are like me even in stories, and I can overcome whatever life throws at me.

In my opinion, life without challenges means nothing.

I have nothing against those who enjoy HEA stories, with their perfectly imperfect heroes and heroines. All I ask is that HEA people remember one simple thing. Life takes work, it doesn’t just one day suddenly become chocolate and roses.

There may be Happily…

But it’s never Ever After.

Was: "Promo for Dummy." Now: "Share what you love."

2010-01-13T16:13:00.000-08:00

I'm not the kind of person who is comfortable putting my own stuff out there, but I love promoting things and people I truly believe in. Since I can't do for myself very effectively, I'll do for them. Because a little bit of recognition and support can go a long way.

I'm going to throw out a personal example here to illustrate just how big a difference a genuine pat on the back--a little recognition and validation--can make in someone's life/career.

My youngest son has the hardest time focusing on his homework. He is so far behind this year that he will probably never be caught up. We had a meeting with his teacher and the last two days he has received rigorous help and attention by yours truly. He came home today excited at how good he's doing and eager to do more. He is aiming for a goal, knows he doesn't have to go it alone, and is doing his best.

Sure, this makes more work for me. But I don't mind at all. That boy has the potential to do great things and the last thing I want is for him to be left behind, to give up and have the world lose something great (like every mom I believe my kid will grow up to be a rocket scientist, or a member of a rock band, or... well, I've made my point) and I won't let that happen without a fight.

I guess what I'm trying to say is sometimes when a person believes strongly enough in someone or something, it's worth taking a few extra steps to devote the time and effort to encourage them.

I've decided that it's pointless to promote my own writing. It feels wrong to me. It goes against my nature. Yes, I believe in myself, believe my writing has potential, but when I promote I feel selfish. I hate that feeling.

That feeling brings me to a different kind of promotion. I want to promote others. Here are a few basics that go along with that, because quite frankly there are a few things I will and will not do.

1) I will NOT put someone down on the basis of whether or not I like their writing style. How they write is how they write and has no bearing as to how I feel about them as a person.

2) I will NOT promote something I haven't read, or don't believe in. PERIOD. I don't care how "tight" we are.

3) I will NOT not promote something based on whether or not I like someone as a person. If I think a person is the biggest and stupidest ape on the planet, but I love their work, I WILL BE HAPPY to promote the story. If I think they're God's gift to the human race but I hate their stories, I WILL NOT promote their writing.

4) I WILL give fair and honest feedback. If I loved the story I'll say so, if I thought something was missing, I'll phrase it nice and won't rip into it like an old bed sheet for cleaning rags. In my opinion that just means the person is still growing and can only get better, but I also won't hesitate to ask if there will be a sequel or another story to elaborate on the missing parts.

5) If I can't do justice by the story/book/author, I WILL keep my mouth shut. There are enough review sites out there and enough cranky critics, that I don't need to dwell on things I don't like. There are also countless volumes of books and stories, so ripping a book to shreds is something I will never have to do.

6) I will NOT expect someone to read my stories simply because I read theirs. I read what I want to read because I want to, not because I want someone to read my stuff. Expecting something in exchange for the joy of reading is just plain stupid, in my opinion. It's a pastime that should be enjoyed. No one should be forced to read something they are not interested in.

7) I WILL keep an OPEN MIND.

Having said all that, I'm open to reading suggestions. Right now I'm in the middle of reading a fantasy/science fiction anthology and loving every minute of it, but I'm fairly open about genre. That's another thing I've never limited myself in. I will read just about anything. To me, a book stands on its own merit, not on who authored it or what genre it falls into.

This time, I would like to see 34 comments on what you think I should read.

So bring it on, hit me with your favorites, your funniest, your scariest, your boldest, and your most memorable.

Let the reading begin!

New design~brought to you by the pornicorn

2010-01-03T20:57:00.000-08:00

Today, I happened to be in conversation with Dhympna from yonder Culinary Carnivale. She was doing a little site revamping and thus I was inspired to take a crack at my own.

And VIOLA! a monster is born. MWAHAHAHA!

It took me FOREVER. I guarantee people don't realize just how much work goes into something until they start trying to get it to look just right themselves. Especially those who really have little more than half an idea what they're doing.

I now have a new found respect for those people who take the time to make their pages look superfantastic so those visitors who like eye candy keep coming back for more.

It's because of this that I must—I MUST I say—put forth this invitation for anyone interested in a bit of fun, a lot of laughs, moderate educational intrigue, and WAY too much adult humor for any one person to handle...

Go have a look-see over at Culinary Carnivale where the hard-working Dhympna, along with her cohorts MissKitty and SarannaDeWylde, not only keep the site looking fantastic, but bring you some rather delicious mind candy from an ecclectic group of authors, artists, and who-knows-who-else.

It's fabulous fun, honest.

Just beware the pornicorn...

Who really is the favored of heaven? Ask my parents.

2009-12-30T17:00:00.000-08:00

I don’t like to get into it about religion, and try not to with politics either, but today I’ll make an exception.

I’ve dealt with guilt my whole life. Guilt that I was going to make a mistake. Guilt that I wasn’t doing enough for God. Guilt for being me. I’ve lived with it, let it rule my life, loathed myself.

I developed a horrible habit right around the time I got baptized into said religion. Mind you I was raised that way, but right about the time I started believing it wasn’t for me, I was nudged into affirming my faith. It was right around that time I started picking at myself. I’ve had the scars pointed out to me, been asked if I use drugs, been hotter than hell in long sleeved shirts because of shame. I was ashamed of who I was, of what I was—of ME.

I keep saying I need to step away from my parents. And yet, I’ve crawled back to them, time and time again. And every time—every time—I’ve been made to feel like shit for my decisions. “We didn’t raise you that way.” “We screwed up somehow.” Not once have I heard, “You’ve made some bad decisions but we love you for who you are and always will.”

My mom called the other day and wanted to see the boys. Now, last February my sister had a baby out of wedlock and her boyfriend at the time was not the father. But, she’s been going to the church, and she’s been studying the Bible with one of the ladies in the church. So, she takes priority.

Yes, I milked that for a while myself. Parents are suckers for their kids. In my family, if you want something, you try to be in their faith. I went to the gatherings, and I went through the motions, but inevitably I screwed up again. I’ve made every effort to pay them back anything they loaned me, to work in their yard, help remodel their bathroom, try not to hold my screwed up state against them because really, I could have walked away at any time.

But I didn’t.

Recently I’ve made some good friends. I’ve grown to love who I am, even the parts that may be just a little screwed up in the common view. And I broke the picking habit I have had for over 20 years.

So today, when I called my mom and she said she was tired and that she didn’t feel like going out to come get the boys because she already had to take my sister to work and they had church and yadda yadda. I said, "I don’t need the excuses, just call me tomorrow and if it works out it works out if not... Oh well, you’ll still have my sister."

And it hurt. It really hurt.

So, for the second time since I moved out, I went for a vent walk.

I hadn’t got very far when I realized I’m tired of crawling. I’m tired of begging. I’m tired of playing second fiddle because I’m not the one making an effort to serve their god.

If God really loves people, why is it he makes us one way then expects us to act another? Why would an artist so great create a masterpiece then hide it beneath a mask that looks like everything else? How many masterpieces are out that that have been watercolored over until they no longer have any unique and original qualities?

And I realized I don’t want to compete with their religion. I shouldn’t have to. I WON’T do it.

They don’t know where I live. All they have is my number. My cell number.

And instead of crying over it, instead of allowing myself to feel like crap yet again, instead of making my boys feel like this is their fault every damn time this happens, because no matter what I say or how I explain, that is how they feel...

I changed my number.

I’m done.

So... Mom, Dad...I hope you, my sister, the kid she is using your religion to get you to take care of for her, and your God are all very happy together.

Because, for the first time in my life…

I feel truly beautiful.

Holiday Greedings.

2009-12-11T13:28:00.000-08:00

As a result of people joking about Christmas and the holiday season, and those whom I've seen get all defensive, I felt obligated... er... inspired to post my views and ideals about the holidays.

Many who know me know I grew up without holidays. Most also know that I can take them or leave them now.

Those people also know I have three principals I follow in life.
1) Respect yourself.
2) Show respect for people and animals.
3) Without these two things life is empty.

I don't NOT believe in a higher power. I also don't feel I have the right, the mind, the... faith? to paint a proper picture of who/what he/she is if indeed it is a who/what he/she. Call me a non believer, call me sacrilegious, heathen, slanderer. Call me what you will, in this post, it doesn't really matter. That is a different topic all together. But... if you have stopped reading at this point, you do NOT have the spirit that Jesus demonstrated. Jesus ate with harlots, healed lepers, and showed kindness to outsiders of the nation he was born into. He broke bread with thousands, shared his wisdom, whatever words those happened to be, and even forgave a sinner with a good heart who hung beside him.

I've had my share of biblical learning, and although I may not be fanatic, I may not even touch the book nowadays, I do know that the basic principals within are simple. Be kind and forgive.

Some of us deal with the holidays by joking. Mainly because it has become a joke. What does Santa and gift giving have to do with Jesus? Why should the birth of Jesus be so serious that it has to be depressing? What is the true meaning of Christmas?

I don't want the answer. I don't WANT 23 comments on what Christmas is. Because every one of them will be different. And that right there is my point.

The holidays are individual. It may be claimed that they are organized and celebrated by groups and such, but really, one person may hold it as a holy day, another may consider it the time of year to milk those gift givers of everything they have to give.

I see it all around me. People out looking for that perfect gift, always trying to outdo "Aunt Bottalot" and "Uncle Koolcat" never quite acheiving it to their satisfaction. Kids waking up on Christmas morning complaining because they wanted that brand new Wii game and all they got was last months version. People at shelters feeding the homeless so they can chalk one up with old heavenly father getting one foot into heaven, so to speak. And people who receive the charity and generosity? Even those can be heard saying things like, "this is the driest turkey I've ever had, even mom didn't screw up this bad" and "socks and gloves? What about a hat and another coat, and maybe a place to live for a few months?" Really, does any of this show the Christmas spirit?

And what about those who try to keep it festive, who make a huge deal out of it? I'm sure Mary and Joseph had a feast in their warm house, with all their friends and family and shared stories and laughter and ate until they were fat and full before giving gifts until there was nothing more to give. *shakes head*

In my mind, Christmas is not about any of that. It is about sharing and giving and loving. It is about showing appreciation for the things and people in your life, no matter how little or how much. What it isn't about is big boxes with bows, lights and outdoing the neighbors, gorging on meals designed to give heart attacks, and making yourself miserable planning the things. Christmas, and all holidays for that matter, are about taking time out for the little things, the things that are neglected every other day of the year, of keeping things simple, letting go, reminiscing and sharing your life with others, and partaking in theirs.

Why does everything have to be commercial? Why does it have to be super serious? If you truly believe it's the birth of Christ, or even if you don't and it's merely symbolic, think about how his family celebrated. I'm sure Mary held him close, miracle baby or not, because as most mothers out there know, the birth of a child is a beautiful thing.

This holiday, think about why you celebrate, think about why you give, let go of the expectations and allow life to touch your heart, your soul. Me, I'll be spending the holidays the same way I do every other day. I'll be embracing my boys, laughing and playing, and giving them what matters most, the warmth of my heart. I am blessed to have two wonderful angels with whom I share my life, and a few others who have entered recently who I hold near and dear no matter what the distance, who I'll be with in spirit.

I hope everyone out there has a Merry Christmas, no matter how or if you celebrate it, because in these depressingly dark winter months, the best kind of peace comes from sharing oneself with others.

The Great Friend Thank You

2009-11-24T16:03:00.000-08:00

There is nothing like having everything put into perspective.

Last night I was having a pleasant conversation, and another call came in. I ignored that call, because personally, I knew that conversation would be less than pleasant.

I'm a big pushover. I stick things out with people until it becomes so draining I want to throw shit and hurt them. Last night was no different. I wasn't going to call, had no intention of it, and then... I started feeling guilty. What kind of a friend isn't there for another? So, I caved.

Same ol same ol. Relationship troubles. This time, he hit her. I told her not to take him back. I knew she wasn't going to listen. She never listens. She talks about finding love, about who will love her... and... she refuses to believe that in order to find that, you have to be happy with yourself. Her relationship status changed, she deleted him as a friend. Maybe I was hopeful, maybe I just want to believe I can make a difference.

Last time we talked, he beeped in on her phone. She took it and never called me back. This time, she told me it was her sister. But I knew...

Today, he is back on her friends list. I wonder how long it will be before the relationship status changes again. She never called me back like she said she would.

It's always the same. Always. And instead of wondering what kind of friend I've been, I'm looking at what kind of friend, she has been.

The answer, plain and simple, is she hasn't been. Not really. We haven't gotten together once in the last couple years. She calls me whenever she has boy troubles, she talks primarily about her, making that vague effort to try to include me in the conversation. I've officially reached the point where I am no longer frustrated, I'm fucking pissed. That's it. I'm done. I should have listened to sane advice, and yet, I went against my better judgment and let guilt win. Not again. Not for her. If she wants to choose someone who is abusive over someone who has been there time and again, more power to her. I'm done. There are definitely more deserving people out there.

Like my friend Lisa. And yes, I will use her name because I am proud of her. She has had five deaths (I believe that number is correct) in and close to her family in the last year. Still, she wears a smile, she puts on a brave front, and she gives of herself to those who need her.

I called her today to gripe about a grade. Not a bad grade, a B+. Yes, I complain about B's. I'm anal like that. But... when she told me someone else died today... I just wanted to scoop her up and hold her close and make everything okay.

This is a woman who has been there for me plenty, who has made me laugh when things were at their worst, who has become to me the older sister I never had. If I had the means and the time, I would be there in a heartbeat to support her and her family in this time of need. I'd give her my last dime, every ounce of care I have, and I'd make sure she didn't wither away from the stress, because let's face it, stress is one of a person's most mortal enemies.

This is the kind of friend I want. The kind of person who can be at a funeral and will ask if I'm okay and make me feel like a complete asshat because I should be the one asking her if she's okay.

Lisa is the kind of person I want in my life. Her and a couple others I have grown close to. People who make me want to grow, want to improve, want to give, instead of those who drag me down and drain me dry.

I really appreciate those people in my life, and in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I say... THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART AND THE CENTER OF MY SOUL.

You know who you are...

Craziness and Comedy

2009-11-20T12:36:00.000-08:00

My day started out kind of iffy. I still feel mildly like crap after a night of bodily rebellion which included headache, dizziness, and regular bathroom visits. Sure, I'm doing better, but I really should have stayed in bed and rested a bit more.

That being said, I can't help but laugh at the way my day has gone.

There was a math test today. I finished all my homework, and was ready for that sucker. Yes, yes. yes indeedy, I believe I did well. But I digress.

I have my alarm set to go off right around the time I need to leave the house. Somehow, I forgot about this, so when I looked at the time I thought I was running late and left in a hurry. I gave in and got coffee, a small one because my tummy is not feeling super happy today, in order to alleviate the withdrawal headache from not having any yesterday. Then, I did my park on the street thing, just like I do every day.

Keys in pocket? Check. Bus ticket ready? Check. Check the time. One new text message from a scout parent, sounds urgent. I look at the time. Great, I can make the call and still make the bus and class on time.

The parent had some valid concerns. She called me because she didn't know who else to talk to. So, I gave her the cubmaster's number along with my suggestions on what steps she needed to take to resolve her issues. Badda bing, badda boom. Hello distraction. Bad Karma Fairy, Bad!

I get on the bus, and the bus driver gives me a transfer slip good till 12:30. This is the time it usually says when I get on the bus at 10:44. So, I thought nothing of it.

Off the bus at the college, down the stairs, and the classroom is pitch black. No students are hanging around, no teachers, nothing. What the hell? I look at the time. 10:00 someone should... CRAP. Class isn't until 11. CRAP. I don't have my coffee, it's in my car. Okay, three bucks, no biggie. I'll just get another on campus.

WRONG! It's closed. LOL Okay, look at time. I can catch the bus down, do a homework assignment while I drink my neglected coffee, and then catch the bus back up the hill half an hour later. Rock on.

Caught the bus back down, finished my assignment, drank my coffee. My headache vanished. Looked at the time. 5 minutes till the bus. Get out of the car. Backpack? Check. Phone? Check. Bus transfer? Check. I nudge the door. As it closes I see the keys to my car sitting on the seat.

Splendid! Shrug it off, I'll deal with it later. Catch the bus, take my test, leave early enough that I can catch the bus and transfer to the other that will get me home. Wait for the first bus after calling the number to find out when it will arrive. 7 minutes. Text my friend, Lisa, a couple times, phone dies on me. Great. Good thing the bus will be along soon. I forgot a book to read.

20 minutes later, still no bus.

On a side note, I ran across my brother last night. We go to the same campus. He gets out of class at noon and heads directly to work. I usually get out at 12:20 but was at the bus stop by 11:45.

Guess who pulled up at the bus stop right about the time I was going to give up on the bus and start walking. My brother! *sigh* My hero!

He gave me a ride home. And I'm really glad because I think I might have just found a hole somewhere to crawl in and stayed there a while, and quite frankly, home is so much more cozy.

So, here I am, ignoring everything that has gone on before and starting my day over as soon as I post this and forget it.

The key to life is making the most out of bad situations, not letting them get you down or run you over, and being thankful for the small miracles that come your way no matter what form they take.

I've had some wonderful miracles happen lately, and nothing is going to take the way they make me feel away from me.

I don't care how sick I get, or how bad of a day I have... See this smile? It's not going anywhere.

Where Did I Put My Boots?

2009-11-16T17:01:00.000-08:00

I've been blaming the weather... but that really isn't what's been eating at me.

I still feel like I'm sinking. Yes, losing the paper route was an immense relief. But... I don't think scouts is right for me, and I decided THAT is something I need to cut out of my life so that I CAN have a life.

Slowly but surely it is driving me insane. I can't keep up with all the things that everyone thinks it demands. On the one hand there are the leader meetings and obsessive phone calls, then there are den things, then parent concerns and of course coordinating meeting places and times. Unfortunately, I don't think I am going to be able to handle this if I add a fourth class next term, and that is my intention.

I've let too much slide by me in life, have given too much away without caring for my own needs, and as much as I want to help children, again, I need to focus on my own first. There have been a couple calls from the school about certain issues I won't go into, but I feel like I'm failing my own boys by focusing on others.

I don't have time for anything. I let my schoolwork slide until I have no choice, I let my housework slide until it gets overwhelming, I let my writing slide... And that is the ONE thing that has been a constant interest in my life. THAT is when I know things are bad...

D doesn't even seem interested in scouts anymore. Really, he never did. He acts up, runs around like a crazy person, and refuses to behave. He's bored out of his mind. He talks about drama, wanting to try out drama, wanting to act. Personally, I think he would do well in such activities. He loves to be the center of attention and has this insane imagination.

Because of my obligations with D's den and pack, T has been missing his meetings. He loves being a Boy Scout and has big dreams and goals for it.

Really, how is this fair to either of them?

I'm not sure how to tell the leaders; am not sure what to do about this situation, but I haven't even had time to do the training required for the volunteer position because of a paperwork glitch (quite possibly poor bookkeeping). I also don't really see forking out $50 for something D isn't interested in pursuing.

I know how I work. I know that my mind is made up even as I sit here and think about this. But this is what I do. I'm a big fat chicken when it comes to letting people down. I grew up with guilt so if I say, "Hey, I can't do this." I know I'll hear "Please just hang in there for one more year." And I know I'll cave, and then I'll do what I always do. Flake. And I hate that more than anything. THAT brings me down. I flake. I quit. I just stop doing things. BECAUSE I CAN'T SEEM TO JUST STAND MY GROUND! *headdesk headdesk headdesk*

I am going to tell them tonight. I keep slipping in other areas of my life and I don't want to fail myself because I am a big fat pushover.

I think it's high time I put on my boots and just give that guilt crap the stomping it deserves.

*STOMP* NO *STOMP* NO *STOMP* NO.

I need to take my life back.

*edited to add* Done and Done.

Update in a Nutshell

2009-11-11T20:09:00.000-08:00

Scouts: Busy and chaotic and confusing. The part I took over at is the busiest of them all and yet, we are still expected to pull the same weight. Okay, fine. Will do.

School: A in Russian. A in Algebra. Who knows in writing... but I'm caught up and moving for on target to be ahead. I even know two of the three classes I'm taking next term...

Personal life Part 1: Still unpacking. Still holding onto the hope that I'll end up with magic boxes that unpack themselves. I forgot I had things stuffed in the shed. Done and Done with the past.

Personal life Part 2: Mom thing needs work. Going okay, but I still have a long way to go. I have goals and hopes and fears, and I'm ever pushing toward, holding on, and fighting through these. Game night has been pretty cool, and I've been doing some fun deserts. WOO HOO!

Personal life Part 3: Mwahahahaha!

And there you have it. My update in a nutshell.

Ironic

2009-10-27T01:00:00.000-07:00

I should really know better than to tempt fate by opening my big yap.

See, my life is a rollercoaster of luck. I have insanely good luck for a while, then just insane luck. I don't believe any luck is bad luck as long as I'm breathing.

I'm laughing my ass off right now.

I've been saying that I haven't got enough sleep, am burnt out, that I am thinking three weeks is a long time. So I head out to go to work and my tire is flat. And, I have no spare, and I'm stuck.

And I lost it. I bust out in fits of laughter and of course now I can't sleep... but as soon as I get it out of my system I am going to try.

I also want to say THANK YOU to a couple of people. They know who they are. One in particular who cheered me up immensely and made THIS current scenario laughable instead of break down and lose it horrble.

And... I am going to see if I can't find the movie "Pure Luck" so I can watch that again. I always thought of myself in that light, because no matter what happens --and a lot happens--he keeps a positive outlook. Well, and he gets his HEA ending too. LOL. Which means there's hope for me. :P

And on that note, I think this day has been eventful enough. I must ride the bus tomorrow, so I will be up early.

Here is a link to the trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-wPaSkB7CE

Enjoy!

Numb ~ I'd rather feel pain.

2009-10-26T19:16:00.000-07:00

My head hurts... I feel lethargic, numb. All I want to do is sleep.

Am I sick? I can only hope. Last time I felt like this, it had nothing to do with physical things.

I've had a lot going on, this job is finally taking it's toll on me, and with a vengance at that.

When I feel like I fail at something important, let something slide that means the world to me, I sink. I feel like a pool of black goo has sucked me and and I'm fighting to breathe.

When I get like this, I feel like everyone, everything I care about pulls away. I'm 90% sure it's all in my head, but the feeling is the most awful thing in the world despite knowing that.

So, here I am, going through the motions, feeling a small burst of fulfillment, or pride briefly, then having it flit away, teasing my tortured soul like some sadistic fiend.

I'm fighting. I'm okay. Not great, but not at the point where people should worry. I'll know when I reach that point, and I will latch on to people I know care.

Right now, I'm merely numb. Numb and burnt, and EXHAUSTED. Mentally, physically, emotionally EXHAUSTED.

I can do this. Everyone says I can do this. And I have to believe them. Because I really don't care.